UPDATE/ADDITIONAL INFO:
So it has been about 24 hours since we have last communicated…I tried to call her about 24 hours ago because I’m always the one to try to smooth it over after a fight like this and see if she is okay. She has not responded to me or reached out during this time at all. As my sister has pointed out, she has a whole houseful of people that she can talk to right now with her family.
I did tell my sister about what happened and she is confused because I communicated the fact that my gf was open to the Thanksgiving in San Diego as long as her dog could go (which I ensured and even private messaged the property owner about).
My sister was confused about my gf’s behavior based on her initial response of being okay with it. She also knows how generous I am in my relationships and mentioned that she has seen me bankroll this current relationship and while my gf is great and shows up and makes a difference in specific scenarios, this kind of acting out and berating is not new with my gf has been a common reoccurrence and she is a bit entitled with certain situations even when she is not contributing.
I took this time to own up to the fact that the only way my gf was able to quit her job and be available for the move was based on me offering to pay off a loan that she has (which isn’t a big deal to me, but to my gf is significant). This is in addition to any minimum payments she would have monthly for things she owed on above and beyond this, I was willing to cover until she had a job. And I explained to my sister that while I expect nothing back for this and am just happy to have her here with me in the same state now and able to work on our relationship…I am a bit uncomfortable with the way she would call me selfish or inconsiderate, etc. I feel like I keep giving and giving and she is just unhappy regardless of what I do and I’m worried about what it would be like if she moves in and is reliant on me…
I think the words my girlfriend is using to describe me in this situation is highly upsetting to me because I would give anything for her and make sure she is happy…and it never seems to be enough. I think that is my ultimate concern with all of this and honestly I think I have more to consider above me just trying to follow up with plans on a San Diego vacation…
Honestly after all of the helpful comments and all of the time to think…I think the decision is clear. I’m not going to reach out or try to smooth it out in any way at this point. I tried at the end of the fight last night to send the money required to pay her minimum payments for the next couple of weeks and she sent it back, so I don’t feel obligated to do anymore regarding that, no more guilt… and just want to focus on the future and handling my life changes coming up.
ORIGINAL POST:
Need some advice. I’m (40f) dating someone 6 years younger than me that has always lived with her mom, she is 36 now and still living with mom. I get it because it’s also a cultural thing, her brother is an adult and still living at home. We have been dating long distance for over a year and it has been bumpy, but she always shows up for me and works hard on the relationship. She is super reactive to things tho, which sets off my PTSD sometimes lol…it can be chaos if we are both upset. She is about to move in with me soon, she quit her job and everything. I will be taking care of her financially until she finds a job, which I’m fine with, she has agreed to kind of take over things at the house in the meantime. I just moved a couple of weeks ago to rent a house that will allow dogs specifically so that she can move in with me and bring her dog. Here’s where it gets yucky. I am super spontaneous and love to just book some travel and plan a trip. I have a lot of life changes recently and told her yesterday that my sister wants to run away to San Diego with the kids for the week of Thanksgiving, we haven’t done this for years and I really want to again. My gf said sure, as long as her dog could come…which I told her I already planned for that, I knew she would want it. The next day my sister is looking at places to book and got something separate for her and her kids, but I told her I really wanted something we could all be together and that was oceanfront, so I found one that would house all of us and would allow dogs, I booked it to hold it. My girlfriend works swing shift (until her last day coming up soon). So this happened during the day when she was sleeping. Later that day, my gf and I got on the phone and were chatting and I excitedly told her that I booked a place and I’m looking forward to planning the trip with her.
She flipped out and the first thing she said was “unlike your family, mine is enjoyable to be around during the holidays” I ignored it and tried to slow the conversation because I could tell she was upset and reminded her that she said she was okay with it…then she repeated what she said about my family and I told her that statement is extremely rude and uncalled for and that wasn’t the purpose of us “running away” for Thanksgiving but rather to escape the traditional roles of the holiday and get away during a time everyone has time off. Then she called me rude and inconsiderate, said I treat her like less than, etc etc and what if she wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her family. I was so confused because she had basically given me the green light as long as her dog could go. My issue is…instead of talking to me like there was a misunderstanding and asking me to slow down and talk about it more before committing…she started putting me down and acting like I’m a bad partner. She started asking what if she wanted to do something else, etc. and how I didn’t consider her…but I feel like I did when I asked her if she wanted to go. She said I didn’t clear the dates with her, but I had told her the week of Thanksgiving (which honestly she doesn’t have a new job out here yet, it’s not like she has to check with anyone to get it cleared, she’s pretty flexible right now). I do understand if she was upset because we could have talked more and solidified plans, etc, but the way she came at me, it’s like she is attacking my character as if I’m doing something malicious.
She has ADHD and is pretty neurodivergent, so her acting out like this is not uncommon…and I had to tell her that I really don’t like how she is trying to portray me in this relationship when she says those things about me and I tried to remind her that I am always considerate, kind, giving, etc, have never held anything over her head (I usually pay for trips, etc but I always tell her I would rather pay for her and have her there to experience it with me than miss out on making those memories with her). She tried to explain that she is not saying that is the type of person I am overall, but in the moment, that is the type of person I am being. I told her that saying things like that because there was maybe a misunderstanding somewhere is really not fair. We always fight about trips, she gets overwhelmed with even the idea of planning, so I can’t say I’m not surprised. I told her months ago that even if we live together, if she doesn’t want to travel, it’s something I am very passionate about and I will still go. She told me she was fine with that and I should do what I want. So in this case, when she got so upset about it, I told her she can totally go have Thanksgiving with her family, I wouldn’t be upset about it or she can invite her family out to San Diego to meet us, it is only a few hours drive. She wouldn’t have any of it, just kept saying I’m rude, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.
I explained that by her saying those things about me makes me feel like she doesn’t see me for who I show up as in this relationship and what kind of partner I really am and I don’t feel appreciated. She just tries to blame me and says I’m taking it wrong…but it’s there in black and white what she is saying about me…i know this is a stupid small fight and she is probably feeling some kind of way internally because she is leaving her family and won’t be able to take care of herself for a bit…but I kind of want to just end it at this point. I feel bad because she quit her job to move here, but I can’t understand why she would treat me this way just weeks before moving out here instead of trying to talk to me with love and respect and just see that yes, while it was fast and impulsive, I kind of understood it as her giving the green light and I just wanted to reserve a place to make sure we got something big enough that also allowed her dog. Also…it’s still 6 months away and I can cancel for free by the end of October, but I haven’t even been able to relay that to her with the way she is laying into me and it this point, I kind of don’t want to cancel it and I don’t want her to go and end up fighting with me there and ruining the holiday.
Finally hours later when she said the argument started because I don’t like when she talks to me about her feelings, I reminded her that the argument started because she said rude things about my family and then rude things about me instead of actually communicating with me about her feelings…she just attacked me. Would I be wrong at this point to break up before she moves in with me and treats me like this? Or should I try to work it out and see if we can get into couples counseling? When she is good, she is so dang good, but when she gets like this, I honestly hate how she talks to me and tries to make me sound just because I was excited and did something to move the planning process forward with my sister on something my gf already said she would be ok with.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I feel helpless…like it will only get worse from here, and at the same time I feel guilty that if we end it now, she has basically changed her whole life to prepare to move out here. I just didn’t think at this point of where we are with things that she would be so comfortable talking to me like this or treating me this way just before she moves out here.