Im tired
I've (22 M) never been in a relationship, I'm not handsome and I'm not good looking, I've never kissed anyone in my life.
I was talking to this guy for two years (maybe a little more), we never dated, and I just sent him a message that we will never be. I'm a pretty complicated person, I'm depressed and difficult to love, partly because of my bipolarity but on the other hand because of simply how I am. I will never go out with anyone because of my way of being and because I know that things will never end well.
When I feel bad I push everyone away and don't answer messages for days. it doesn't matter if I feel good or bad, I just hate myself, I'm going to end up alone because I'm complicated, difficult and a disaster in absolutely everything, I'm a failure, I've never done anything right in my life.
I feel lost, deep in my heart I wish I could find someone, but I know it will never happen.
Everything is really difficult, I have treated people I love badly, partly because of my bipolarity, but I don't want to blame my illness all the time. I know very well that I'm still young, but I really think I'm going to end up alone, no one ever has been interested in me, except for this boy (im bi).
I don't deserve the love of absolutely anyone, not even my friends, I push them away whenever I feel bad, I isolate myself and I don't even see them for months and, even so, they love me. I hate myself for everything, I have more negative things than positive, I'm a disaster, no one will ever want to be with me.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent and didn't want to bother any friends.