u/Confront_

We got married last week. We had been engaged 3 years since it’s been tumultuous. Several miscarriages and stillbirth as well as family drama and mental health crises. Lots of trauma and drama not worth divulging. We’ve been raising his 4 half siblings ages 4-12 for the last year and we are currently trying to adopt them. We’ve gone through violent streaks but for the last 6 months or so it’s been really good and we’ve been working well together and finally tied the knot. Last night was normal until he hurt my feelings and I started crying. He mocked me relentlessly for 20 minutes+ while i silently cried trying to block him out but regretfully I snapped and smacked him and all hell broke loose. He beat me up pretty bad and we got in a full fledged fight. He choked me spit in my face called me every name and threw me around the room until i just stopped fighting back. It’s a disaster. I shouldn’t have hit him but he always reacts with the most violent possible response and of course I’m 115 lb female against 160 lb grown man. Needless to say I’m covered in bruises and welts and everyone at work has been asking me about it. I can’t go to the police because it would ruin his chances at getting parental guardianship over his siblings and I don’t want them in the system. I know firsthand what that’s like. He would never hurt them. It’s my fault for hitting him first. I’m just so tired. I feel trapped. Now we’re married. He’s currently unemployed and I’ve been the primary and now sole source of income for all of us for years. We’re both on the mortgages for our 3 properties and he refuses to let me sell and he can’t refinance me off as he has no income. It’s so messed up. I’ve been fighting to make this work for so long for the sake of the kids and us because I do love him and it’s mutually toxic it’s not just him. I just feel helpless and like no matter what I’m the villain. I just need to vent. I need a confidential ear to hear me. It’s not about just me otherwise I would pack up and move across the world today.