I’m curious as to what indication your ex partner gave that they were avoidant during the relationship. Not the big obvious clues, but the more subtle ones. I believed that my partner was securely attached during our relationship. He didn’t seem phased by being close and was consistent with communication, but it isn’t until now 2 months post breakup that some of the things he did/said did actually point to avoidant attachment, even if more subtle:
• Struggled with intimacy at the beginning - it took a while for him to feel comfortable enough and get past performance anxiety.
•”I just want peace”, “I just want an easy life”, “when somethings done it’s done”.
• The friends of his that he loved the most were the ones who had completely drama-free lives and didn’t ask anything of him.
• He would always want to give solutions rather than just accepting that I just wanted someone to listen sometimes. He’d get annoyed when I didn’t take his advice, the same with his friends, and would say things about what’s the point in talking about things and doing nothing about it.
• In an adult relationship, I expect to see someone as much as our lives allow. He would go along with this people-pleasing me, and didn’t tell me until the breakup that he felt like he couldn’t do his own thing. But never actually brought this up in the relationship, along with numerous other things that I didn’t realise were a problem to him until after.
• Labelled any sort of conflict/disagreement as an argument.
• Would let his worries about certain things in his life build up without telling me, and then it would all spill out at once in a big ball of anxiety.
• Had a lot more talking stages/first dates than me. Which isn’t a problem, but I thought it was interesting that at his age I was the first girlfriend to meet his friends/family and do coupley things like trips together.
• He would complain about certain friends/work colleagues to me, but when I told him to actually approach them and talk to them about it, he wouldn’t. I feel like he expects the worst of people automatically.
• Would talk about the future with excitement, but didn’t really do anything to work towards it. He had a “when it happens it happens” approach.