u/Confident_Copy7555

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I think this only works on dumb kids.

Tested it on my 2 year old nephew, he almost gagged on the chip bag.

At 15, he decided to get the hottest girl in the class. And boy he did that!

At 22, out of college, he decided to work for the biggest finance firms in the country. And boy he did that!

At 30, after retiring early, he set his eyes on becoming the fastest marathon runner (which all corporate people do). For this matter, he went to the most elite training coaches. He trained hard, evolving his unique stride, where his stride consisted of frog-like jumps forward

Coz he was told by the coach, "A small step for man, a giant leap for you, Manity!"

.

.

.

.

"It's mankind, coach"

"Too magnanimous for you to call a dwarf, mankind instead of manshort"

But we will do this only until we become One.

The first month, August, we dated with zero physical intimacy. And boy, we made it through.

The second month, September, we decided we could kiss and hold hands, but nothing beyond that.

By the third month, Amber was becoming uncontrollable. So we decided not to meet for the entire month, just to test our patience.

Then came the fourth month. The moment we met, Amber started unbuttoning my pants.

But boy, I’m very strict. I restrained her.

.

.

.

.

“NO NUT NOW, AMBER.”

A huge crowd had gathered below, begging him not to jump through a microphone. Dark’s best friend, Mark, was in the crowd too.

Dark cried from the roof: “Why weren’t you there when I needed you, Mark?!”

The crowd couldn’t hear him clearly, “What?!”

Dark shouted back, “MAAAARRRRKKK!”

Mark grabbed the headphone and tried persuading him not to jump.

Dark continued: “You’re a sucker!”

The crowd still couldn’t hear properly. “What?!”

“SUUUCCCKKKERRRR!”

Dark continued: “I called you two years ago when my house was infested with bugs!”

The crowd shouted again, “What?!”

“BUUUUGGGSSS!”

Dark continued: “One of the bugs was AN ALIEN! I’m possessed by AN ALIEN! And now I’m jumping off this roof because of ..."

And leapt off the building screaming: “AN ALIIIIIIEEEENNNN!”

The crowd couldn’t believe his last words:

.

.

.

.

“MARK ZUCKERBERG’S AN ALIEN!”

And then again at 6 in the morning, and again at 12 noon

Jeez it is hard to raise a child, kudos to the moms.

Bansi had spent ten silent years perfecting his deadliest charm.

One day he walked to the town market and began his spell. People ran helter-skelter, but Bansi raised a force field. No one escaped.

They begged for mercy. He pointed to the signboard: Welcome to Sorci.

"Carve a B." They carved. He replaced the S.
Borci.

"Carve an a." They carved. He replaced the o.
Barci.

"Carve an n." They carved. He replaced the r.
Banci.
Now they knew: he wants the town renamed to his name.

"Carve an s." They carved. He replaced the c.
Bansi.

"Carve an i." They carved. He replaced the i.
Bansi.

Then everyone went blind.
.

.

.

.

.

As the saying goes:
An i for an i makes the whole world blind.

Polyp exists in quantum decoherence. It won’t pick a form until it’s observed.

When it is observed, it resolves and releases energy equal to 200 Little Boy nuclear bombs.

The team requested an emergency briefing with a Four-Star General at the Pentagon, who has blocked off time between wargame simulations to take the meeting tomorrow.

Of course, the opening slide reads:

“Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

She says, "He is di-ball-ick"

The eggseller says, “No.” The chicken thanks him and leaves.

Next day the chicken comes back and again asks, “You got my eggs?”

The eggseller answers, “No, we don’t have your eggs. This is a shop, we don’t keep customer eggs here.”

The chicken thanks him and leaves.

Next day the chicken comes back and the eggseller has had enough and says, “Look here, chicken, we don’t have your eggs, we will never have your eggs. Now if you ask me for your eggs again I’m gonna microwave you.”

The chicken thinks for a minute and then asks, “You got a microwave?”

The eggseller says, “No.”

The chicken then says, “Oh good. Well then do you have my eggs?”

I asked her, “Do you know why you should never call an elephant stupid?”

She looked up from her phone. “Why?”

“Because an elephant has big ears and can hear you calling it names.”

She stared. “That’s it? That’s your joke?”

“No no, I have more,” I said. “Do you know why an elephant never eats bamboo all at once?”

She sighed. “Why?”

“Because the elephant trunk-ate it!”

.

.

.

.

.

“Don’t you have any good jokes? Like, actual good ones?”

“Ok, let's try this. Do you know why you forget getting called beautiful, but you never forget being called fat?”

I cut her off.

“Because an elephant never forgets.”

That's what she said.

Because it didn't quite work when he blew it with his ass

“If you are fired, remember the union’s with you.”

Mill owner vigorously shakes his head in denial: “We don't fire employees!

But IF we do… you better remember that you need to leave before the furnace is locked at 6.”

Three boys came; the first tugged at his robes

Budhha muttered, "Forgive and move on."

The second yanked his beard

"Forgive and move on."

The third one pulled his balls.

"Madarfukkkker...."

You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. So you listen twice as much as you talk.

One kid goes:

You have two eyes and one face for a reason too.

Imagine how ugly it’d be with three.

First one comes out: "The doc is hilarious. Charged me for two X-rays; turns out I’m pregnant.”

Second one comes out: “Same. Charged me for three. I’m having twins.”

Third lady, a cannibal, comes out: “She’s got a real funny bone. I’m not even pregnant, but she billed me for ten X-rays.”

The first boy : Idiot

Teacher : Now we will try creating a story out of this. Give me the first random word that you think after 'Idiot'

The second boy : Idiot

The third boy : Idiot

Teacher : Ok, I get that you all are thinking about idiots together. But try harder and give me some word you think after idiot

The fourth boy : You

Teacher : Like the vowel 'u' ?

The fifth boy : Idiot