u/Confident-Teacher-87

He had a lot of issues to work through including trust and connection. Overtime we realized pretty quickly that we cared for each other deeply and we were a good match. He is kind. I know he loves me. And I love him more than anything else in the whole entire world. When we first started seeing each other, we had sex a lot, but I lived three hours away. We spent as much time together as possible and within six months I was spending pretty much half of my time with him by eight months and I relocated to be closer to him and we spent all of our time together by the time I moved here our sex life started to change greatly. I should also add that he was an active Polly/swinger participant? All of his relationships were open he was polyamorous and very active in swinger communities. I knew this when I started dating him, but I wasn’t sure where things were gonna go when things started to get serious. He did sleep with somebody else and told me about it right away and I told him that he needed to make a decision either me or other people, but I couldn’t deal with him sleeping with other people. He decided to choose me and we were going to work on things together with a possibility of being open swingers later on down the road. But I told him we needed to have a solid foundation before we can explore that. Fast forward to a year and a half later we have bought a house together and our sex life is nonexistent. We average about five weeks in between. I can’t initiate sex with him anymore because he has told me on multiple occasions that he’s not interested in sex. I have a lot of trauma from other things other relationships and experiences. And this has made it mentally impossible for me to initiate. I want to be with him so badly. And it’s affecting my brain and my self-esteem and my happiness. I feel unattractive undesirable and pretty much like an inanimate object. I am so sad and angry all the time it’s affecting my job it’s affecting our relationship and all of my relationships with my friends and family. I don’t know what to do. He also had a large catalogue of porn and has told me that he wanted to delete it all which he did and he wanted to stop watching porn because he felt like it made things hard for him. He has started watching porn again. I didn’t see it as a bad thing, but now I’m wondering if maybe it’s a porn addiction I don’t know what to do. I feel like if things don’t change this is going to be the end of us and it’s breaking me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I’m here I guess maybe just some advice really hoping to hear from anyone who has been in the same relationship situation, especially from men who may be feeling the same or have felt the same in the past. Side note- it’s affecting me so much mentally that I am back to fantasizing about self harm and suicidal ideations. I’m fighting too and Nail to be OK. I don’t want to leave. In many ways this is the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in, but this is causing a huge problem and I don’t know what to do.