i want the good, bad and ugly please. i've firmed university of liverpool and insured uni of birmingham but now i'm second guessing myself.
is liverpool not a good uni? and i will be doing either psych, sociology, law, french or aerospace engineering. yeah.... i'm indecisive af 😭
genuinely no question is a crazy one. i have PMDD too which probs why i’ve been going crazier than usual and it has been lasting longer than usual. if you’re going through the same thing i truly wish you well cos this sucks
for context, i happen to be part of the 45% of ADHDers that suffer with PMDD too
AMA so i don't walk into incoming traffic lol
i'm in year 13 and I can't get over the fact I chose the wrong a levels. i don't want to be revising chemistry or studying it idk what possessed me to choose it over french. i love learning languages and im choosing to that in my free time instead of revise the a level i have in a month. i rlly hate myself for doing this. it's really messing up my mentality for exam season and I just keep getting panic attacks whenever I try to revise a level chem.
i have never gotten above an E in chemistry i genuinely hate it. it's not that im incompetent but i find no interest in it so i don't wanna try in it and instead i wallow in the fact i didn't choose what i enjoyed. i don't even know what i wanna do for uni (it most likely won't be something I even need chem for) so im suffering for literally no reason. i hate myself.
HELP
i’m about to VENTTT so grab some electrolytes or smth. i’ll try to make it short and snappy.
14- “friends” started being mean to me on a gc because i told one of the people in the friend group that they shouldn’t have said the n word to a teacher. got called all types of things and one girl started to talk about my family. reported to the teachers and they said they’re just jealous of you because you’re very academic and all that
15- realized that the girl who started to talk about my family may have been jealous because she only has her dad- no siblings or mum,even though i had realised this, i still felt bad about myself because i had retaliated whenever they would say something to me. it felt like the whole school year was against me. i couldn’t play my favourite sport anymore and i just felt so much hatred. someone told me about what they had been saying about myself and my family’s past behind my back so i made an account to expose the main bully’s “past” too.long story short, this lead to me getting into a fight even though i promised myself i would never get into one. so cue the self-hatred and regret.
16- had actual big exams. since i was 10 i wanted to get straight A’s in them. kept on thinking abt my past mistakes and hating myself for not realising that these bullies were only jealous of me and by feeding into them, only caused myself to self sabotage and spiral. fell into high key a deep depression and just had a really negative schema and view on myself. during this period i would get some A’s still but would never applaud them. i would only focus on the negative. anyways, got results from my exams back and they were not what i hoped for. that day i genuinely thought i was gonna 💀. i was crying sm and my siblings had to hide so many p*11s away from me
17- couldn’t forgive myself for getting the grades i did and essentially letting my bullies win. instead of doing better i continued to spiral and honk about all the things i’ve done wrong-bare in mind i got into my dream school with my grades but still fell]t so shameful, disappointed and inadequate. this caused me to obvs not perform well in tests and the cycle just continued
18 (now)- the cycle has continued and i still think about all the things i’ve done wrong and regret but also i regret regretting because i feel like i’ve wasted so much time and will never get that time back. i wish i could’ve seen the situation for what it was when i was 14 (jealousy) and continued to move on to excel in goals which was getting the grades i wanted. i don’t know how t- get over the trauma, guilt and shame. whenever i think i’ve gotten over it, something just triggers it again and i spend like 2-4 hours in a stage of utter sadness. don’t even get me started when it comes to my PMDD. every two weeks i just want to off myself and think i’m the most disgusting being that ever lived. i’ve got big exams coming up that determine my future basically. i can’t let rumination fester everything because it’s already destroyed too much. i haven’t been able to fully enjoy senior year because of it.
i just wanna be healed before my 19th birthday. i wanna totally forgive myself and just be happy. right now, it’s like i’ve got this heavy weight of sadness, disappointment and shame on me constantly and it’s very annoying.
i’m about to VENTTT so grab some electrolytes or smth. i’ll try to make it short and snappy.
14- “friends” started being mean to me on a gc because i told one of the people in the friend group that they shouldn’t have said the n word to a teacher. got called all types of things and one girl started to talk about my family. reported to the teachers and they said they’re just jealous of you because you’re very academic and all that
15- realized that the girl who started to talk about my family may have been jealous because she only has her dad- no siblings or mum,even though i had realised this, i still felt bad about myself because i had retaliated whenever they would say something to me. it felt like the whole school year was against me. i couldn’t play my favourite sport anymore and i just felt so much hatred. someone told me about what they had been saying about myself and my family’s past behind my back so i made an account to expose the main bully’s “past” too.long story short, this lead to me getting into a fight even though i promised myself i would never get into one. so cue the self-hatred and regret.
16- had actual big exams. since i was 10 i wanted to get straight A’s in them. kept on thinking abt my past mistakes and hating myself for not realising that these bullies were only jealous of me and by feeding into them, only caused myself to self sabotage and spiral. fell into high key a deep depression and just had a really negative schema and view on myself. during this period i would get some A’s still but would never applaud them. i would only focus on the negative. anyways, got results from my exams back and they were not what i hoped for. that day i genuinely thought i was gonna commit. i was crying sm and my siblings had to hide the pills away from me
17- couldn’t forgive myself for getting the grades i did and essentially letting my bullies win. instead of doing better i continued to spiral and honk about all the things i’ve done wrong-bare in mind i got into my dream school with my grades but still fell]t so shameful, disappointed and inadequate. this caused me to obvs not perform well in tests and the cycle just continued
18 (now)- the cycle has continued and i still think about all the things i’ve done wrong and regret but also i regret regretting because i feel like i’ve wasted so much time and will never get that time back. i wish i could’ve seen the situation for what it was when i was 14 (jealousy) and continued to move on to excel in goals which was getting the grades i wanted. i don’t know how t- get over the trauma, guilt and shame. whenever i think i’ve gotten over it, something just triggers it again and i spend like 2-4 hours in a stage of utter sadness. don’t even get me started when it comes to my PMDD. every two weeks i just want to off myself and think i’m the most disgusting being that ever lived. i’ve got big exams coming up that determine my future basically. i can’t let rumination fester everything because it’s already destroyed too much. i haven’t fully been able to enjoy senior year because of it.
i just wanna be healed before my 19th birthday. i wanna totally forgive myself and just be happy. right now, it’s like i’ve got this heavy weight of sadness, disappointment and shame on me constantly and it’s very annoying.
i've noticed that i'm really good at making friends but maintaining them is a diff question. i can talk to people at surface level but i never feel like i can be my full self around them hence i feel i haven't found my people yet.
when i was younger (at around 13) i thought there was something wrong me and that it was the end of the world if i didn't have friendships outside my sisters. now i'm 18, it doesn't bother me that much but i'm going to uni later this year and was just wondering if i will find my people like everyone says i will.
just got my grade and i got an A. if anyone needs advice i'm here to help