u/Comprehensive_Ad2632

so around this time last year my dad pulled my hair, my mom was there, did nothing, it was hella damaging.

i was studying psychology(psychology major) last week and reading about defense mechanisms like (projection and displacement) as well as dissasociative disorders and it triggered me so badly and i started breaking down crying in the library. i thought i was better now, but i guess not.

i was reading my old journal entry from around 6ish months ago and i'll put a few of the things I have quoted from what they said to me after that happened, (further context, i told my 12th grade math teacher about what happened and CPS got involved 😞);

_____

“Kids don’t know what sacrifice is unless they have a real job(dad)”

“The money i’m spending on this therapy, i could hire a live in maid- a butler(dad)”

“This year I was supposed to go on a cruise this year, but I decided to pay for your college(fuckass dad)”

“I was going to take back my car, tell you you have x amount of weeks to stay in this house, but your grandma and mom convinced me to not do that(dad)”

_____

to get to the point before i move on, idk what to call this, i know it's abuse but.. is it justified?? i was 17 when this happened, and sometimes i still doubt myself and think i made a big deal out of nothing, he said that it was a joke but.. he never pulled my hair as a joke

here's some more stuff i wrote;

__________
If i tell him he’ll say he wont remember..

“He shouldn't have pulled your hair(mom)”  -where was that 7 months ago?? 

“Be lucky you have a father(grandma)”

Why wasn’t anyone in my corner back then? When I was genuinely scared that things would get worse?
Why am i seen as some immature kid who didn’t know what she was doing?? And yet everyone was angry at me??

Why wont anyone listen to me??

I want to die. I cant take this fucking whiplash anymore..

________

soo back to present, i think wednesday i had a panic attack while i was driving because i kept luminating my thoughts about this, i broke down and opened up about what happened to my math teacher(freshman college ironically) and she told me that what he said to me wasn't normal and i was taken aback

i feel scared of my father again, betrayed by my mother as usual

i still feel like im in a daze now because of what happened, how could they have moved on from that so quickly???

im locking myself in my room again because i get scared around this time now i guess,

anyways, any advice will help, again my math teacher's the goat

hey everyone, I just need to get this off my chest because i really have no one else to talk to about this.. anyways, i was at the library at school today and i was studying psychological disorders, and i got to the defense mechanisms to study.

i think when i started to read my notes for displacement and projection it really triggered me i guess. i had flashbacks to when my own dad would project his own insecurities on me and telling me that i just was never enough. and just criticise me for no goddamn reason. it just reminded me of how much he's hurt me in the past...

i started to cry in the library and it's been a long time since i cried in public.. i had to leave and i haven't studied since then. it's still hard for me to grasp but i think i've been emotionally abused in my childhood, i dunno.. i started to think of the times when i was in highschool where i thought this is the best it's going to get, everytime my dad would say something that hurt my feelings, that no one will ever treat me better.

it's been a while since i've lingered on memories of my past, and this just triggered it the most. and when i was in the library i realised i have no family to confide in at all, since all of them will tell me to "be lucky i have a father" since everyone's dad is 10,000x worse than mine in my family. 😒

i don't know, he's better than most.. but i don't trust opening up to him, because he's going to criticize me eventually, put me down like he always does, project his own insecurities about his weight onto me by saying i need to exercise more or some bullshit. there's nothing admirable to me about him besides from the fact that he works and supports the family. i don't even know why my mom loves him so much. it's like she always says he's so worried for me but when IM around he treats me like shit. Which fuckin one is it??

i'm tired of doing mental gymnastics with this mf. i forgot what else i was going to say, anyway, any support or advice is much welcomed since i'm not seeing my therapist anymore since it's so expensive. in my dad's words, "i could hire a butler with what i spend on your therapy"

i'm sick of this shit bruh..