How can I communicate with my boyfriend about an issue without making him think I’m trying to argue?
My boyfriend and I have just very recently made the decision to rekindle after a 3 month break-up. One of the issues that caused us to end things was frequent miscommunication. Whenever I wanted to communicate about an issue he would tell me I was attacking him and would treat me very coldly out of anger and frustration. This is something that is still proving to be an issue between us now. He tells me that I’m nitpicking every little thing that he does, but I sincerely don’t mean to come off that way and really just want to be able to communicate about something as a means to fix it. The thing is, no matter how hard I try to reassure him that I’m not saying anything as a way to make him feel like a terrible partner, it still somehow ends in him being very angry with me and feeling like I’m only doing it to make him feel shitty. I have tried so hard in different ways like using the whole I statements and focusing on what I felt while actively being mindful that I’m not accusing him of anything, I even try being patient with his outbursts and show validation in his emotions even if what he’s saying is very hurtful to hear. I find myself constantly stating that my sole purpose is to communicate how certain things made me feel and even how certain things made him feel and what things we can either compromise or clarify on so that we can solve it and move on but it’s almost as if no matter how clear I am about what my intentions are, he actively refuses or just doesn’t care. I just want to establish boundaries or expectations in a healthy manner. This has caused us both stress, especially since we are coming back from something that ended on not very good terms. All I want is to pretty much bury the past and stop it from reoccurring.
So I’m reaching out as a way to figure out what other methods I can try or possibly do differently. I have asked him already what I could possibly say differently or how I could approach him differently but all I get in response is a very annoyed, “I don’t know.” We both already agreed that if we continue to argue very frequently that we should just end things for good since it’s probably for the best. I obviously don’t want that and he says he doesn’t either but I also don’t want to be incapable of communicating. Honestly, I feel very terrible when I put myself in both perspectives and knowing we fail to come to any sort of resolve. Any advice or even just feedback on this is very appreciated.