Sorry, this is so long. My boyfriend and I (26f) have been officially dating for 3 months now, but were seeing each other for 2 months prior to that. We’re coworkers so we also knew each other before we started dating, but more so as acquaintances.
The relationship overall has been going well. We get along great, we have a lot of fun together, we have similar values/outlooks and the physical connection is pretty strong.
From the end of month 1 of us talking to the end of month 2 of us dating, my bf was extremely depressed. He was dealing with a lot of stress at work and some family/friend situations that were not ideal.
During this time, I randomly asked him if we were okay. he said that he did feel like he had been a little off because he was so depressed and he felt guilty bc he felt like he couldn’t give the relationship more emotionally to keep it progressing. essentially, he was comparing it to past relationships that were more obsessive and intense, but he also acknowledged that those relationships weren’t healthy and that he did really like me and want to be with me and it’s not like he wished his feelings were stronger.
he ultimately said that he felt like at that point (around month 2 of being official) he felt like he should be thinking more “long term” and he was just struggling to think that way because he was really trying to focus on the short term in order to get himself in a better place mentally. but that he had no hesitations about me, that he wanted to be with me, and he said that it’s not like he wasn’t over anything in his past. he said he really just felt like this was all because of his mental health and he was working on feeling better again.
about a week after that conversation, (2 and a half months in) we were hanging out and i was looking through his notes on his phone for his netflix password. in one of his notes, there was like a journal entry that (tldr version) said:
- he wasn’t sure that his college ex (dated for 3 years and ended ~3 years ago) was fully in the past, - that he carries a lot of guilt and regret from that relationship (he ended it with her and moved away)
- that he still loves her and that while he doesn’t necessarily want her back, he worries that was his only chance at true love
there was a paragraph break, and then a paragraph about me. he said:
- he officially started dating me -i’m great, it’s been a lot fun, he had no complaints -that he’s trying not to overthink and self sabotage - he was worried it’s not going to work out, he can see why people say not to date a coworker, and that he feels like he doesn’t have a gf (i asked later if he ever wishes we didn’t work together and he said it took getting used to at the beginning but it’s okay now)
- he needs to communicate with me as much as possible so things don’t end badly
this really stressed me out and also made me feel guilty because while i wasn’t seeking it out, this was clearly personal thoughts. i didn’t bring it up to him and i didn’t look for any other notes.
i don’t know exactly when these were written and if the paragraph about me was written at the same time as the one about his college ex but based on context, i do know that it was at least a few weeks BEFORE the conversation we had about his mental health and feelings. i’ve tried to come to terms with this and trust that he was at a very low point when he wrote this and it was more so his extreme depression talking, and im choosing to believe what he has told me. in the past ive also questioned if previous relationships were my only chance at true love when i was at low points, even though i know i wouldn’t want to go back to them now that im in a better space mentally.
it’s been about a month and a half since all of this, and he’s in a much better place mentally. things between us have continued to go well:
- he invited me on an annual trip with his friend group in July that he said he wanted to wait to invite me until he was “sure” (about me/us, i assumed)
- planning to go to a concert with friends in september
- invited me to spend time with him and one of his best friends while he comes into town this weekend
- general casual mentions of hypotheticals of the future
amongst other normal relationship things.
ever since reading that in his notes though, i have been analyzing everything he says and does and questioning everything. i’ve realized i have trust issues from my last relationship and i’m scared of trusting what he’s saying and getting hurt or blindsided. i keep imagining scenarios of him breaking up with me and i get stuck in these loops of using what he says/does or doesn’t say/do to confirm these fears that i have.
this led me to have check-in with him yesterday to see how he’s been feeling since we haven’t really spoken about his mental health recently or our relationship as a whole.
i could tell he was caught off guard by me asking. he said: -he feels good
- and when his mental health was bad that was really the only problem, that it’s not like anything was wrong with us before
- he said he felt bad that he didn’t have more to say
- i said he shouldn’t feel bad and i didn’t have expectations of him to say anything, i just wanted to make sure he feels good about us
- i did also ask if he feels like he could be looking at things long-term with us since that was what he mentioned not being able to think of earlier
- he said “we’re getting there”
the conversation itself was fine, i didn’t really feel unsettled by that response in the moment, but ive been replaying it in my head and wondering if he said that just to say it, if it means he’s unsure about me, etc.
my last relationship was unhealthy and i was love-bombed from the beginning (i love you within 3 weeks) and i don’t want to bring my unhealthy perceptions of love into this.
i know he rushed saying i love you to his last girlfriend (not the college ex) and he ended up feeling like he had love for her but wasn’t in love and they broke up after about 6 months. i don’t want to rush that at all and i don’t feel like i’m in love with him yet either, but SHOULD our feelings be further ahead? should he be thinking long-term at this point?
how can i look at this relationship from a healthy lens? how can i stop analyzing everything he says and does and coming to conclusions about what it means?
any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.
TL;DR: I know my boyfriend has had doubts about our relationship during a period of extreme depression. Things have seemingly progressed since then, but I can’t stop overthinking everything and it’s making me question the relationship and his feelings. I don’t know if I’m self-sabotaging or if it’s my gut.