Hi I am so sorry this is a long one. There’s a lot of context. A couple of days ago was our three year wedding anniversary but me (30) and my husband (30) already knew we won’t be able to celebrate the day the anniversary as my husband work 24 hr shifts twice a week so we would have to do something the day before or after. I am heavily pregnant and I am still working full time. So the day before the anniversary I asked him if we could go get dinner and visit a museum afterwards as I was craving seafood pasta so badly. Also because he had told me two weeks ago that he was going to make a reservation at a place that I would love for the day before our anniversary. Then I didn’t hear anything about it. So even if he forgot as it happens to everyone when life get hectic we could still celebrate and not make him feel bad about forgetting to make any plans.
Normally I am the one who plans dates and I don’t mind just because I am the one who is more outgoing and he is a homebody (but enjoys trying out the restaurants I pick). But I have been very tired lately because last trimester has been kicking my butt. He said he didn’t make plans for the day before because he didn’t know how I’d be feeling since I worked 3 days straight prior to the day before the anniversary.
I told him I am tired and in pain but we could still go because I was craving that damn seafood pasta and mentally prepared for date night and was excited to exchange gifts and have some romantic time together. He said “most probably not” because he “need to get a hair cut and have to run errands”.
Context for the errands he needed to run so urgently exactly that day was he had been saying he was switching our phone plans around and we could get 3 new free phones with this plan. He told me weeks ago I would be getting a new phone as it is free and my phone is old and doesn’t hold charge. He even asked me which phone I wanted. I said if it is free I wanted a newer model, if we can’t get a newer model for free I’d be happy with the same old model I had for the past 5 years. Just something that is not so broken. I asked him if that was my anniversary present and he said yes. I was looking forward to it although I didn’t bring it up again.
At first he told me someone need to sign for the phones when it is delivered and it’s supposed to be delivered by 9 pm then it would be too late to go out. But the phone was delivered much earlier in the evening around 4 pm. Then he told me he needed to take the phones to the carrier store right away to set it up. I asked him if it really needed to be done today and we can go get the phones set up on his next off day. He said “no it need to be done today”. Which I knew was a lie but I let it go because maybe he was running around and trying to get me a new phone as the anniversary present as he promised.
I was looking forward to spending time with him and exchanging gifts and maybe even watch a movie even if we couldn’t go out that night. He was gone for about 6 hours dealing with his errands. By the time he came back it was so late to just even hangout. He had picked up the to-go order I asked him to pick up but no phones in his hand.
I waited patiently but as it neared our bedtime I asked him for the phone. He said “oh that was for my mom and my brother”. Again 3 phones were supposed to be free. He got one, then gave one to his mom, and another to his brother. And he was with them setting up the phones and hanging out. Both mother in law and brother in law had phones that are in better condition than mine.
He said “oh I will just get your phone traded in next week or something and pay the balance out of our pocket” which is going to be a lot because of extensive damage and how old it is.
I could buy any phone I want anytime as I make about twice as much as him. But I had been frugal with money as we are about to have a baby, have a toddler who just started daycare, and we need to buy a new house and a bigger car in the very near future. Which he knew. So the point was for me to get one of the FREE phones as promised.
At that exact moment mother in law called and asked me if I got a phone as well. (I am sure she knew I didn’t get one as he was just hanging out with them). When I said “no” she made a joke saying “well now we have two old phones and you can have your pick” and started laughing. Bother in law and my husband thoroughly enjoyed that joke and was laughing with her while I was fuming inside. I just walked away to the restroom and bawled my eyes out while they finished up their phone call. Maybe I was too sensitive due to my pregnancy hormones.
When I came back from the restroom he asked me if I was okay because my eyes and cheeks were red and puffy. I gave him his gifts that I had put a lot of thought into. Although not too expensive I got him a wedding ring for work that he had been wanting, two belts because his only leather belt broke(which is still laying on our living room floor because he handed it to our toddler to play instead of putting it away) , and a card with a nice note in it (which is still sitting in our office table, unopened). I told him I was extremely disappointed in him not for getting his family new phones but offering one to me as an anniversary present weeks ago and not getting me anything, I would’ve been happy with a card and some cheap flowers, and also for not spending time together in the nicest way possible while sobbing. To which he said he was sorry but he will take me out the day after the anniversary.
That’s when he revealed to me he will be getting off of work the day after the anniversary and will be gone for an all day golf tournament that day as well. Then we will go out after the tournament. So although I knew I’d be getting a sleepless, tired version of him I agreed. And he joked and said “that’s the best part about special days it will come next year too”. At that point I lost my shit and started crying even more I couldn’t hold it.
Then he just shut down and walked out into the garage as if my emotions were burdening him. So when he came back into the house I told him I won’t be burdening him with any of my feelings again (not in a nice way). To which he responded “I just can’t do anything right, why don’t anybody like me no matter how much I do for them etc.” To which I didn’t really respond. I just couldn’t take the sulking much longer and we went to bed.
He called me many times from work on the anniversary day but I just felt cold towards him. I just can’t seem to let it go. He wasn’t like this before. He was so thoughtful, kind and communicative with me and always put me first. I think I am mostly sad because of the sudden change in his priorities.
The day after anniversary that we agreed upon came. The reservation he made was for 6pm. He came home around 4:30pm after his golf tournament. I was fuming. To make it to the reservation we’d have to leave the house atleast by 5 pm to drop off our toddler and make it into the city. I was taking care of our toddler for two days straight without even a shower. I told him I cannot get ready within 30 minutes as I felt filthy. I told him to cancel the reservation and that I hate the fact that I had been last of his priorities even on our anniversary weekend. I couldn’t stop crying.
He rescheduled the date for 9 pm later that night. He got me flowers, and a card with a nice note. I was hoping to talk during the dinner. But it was a special experience where we dine infront of chefs. And I was mesmerized by the whole experience. And didn’t want to have an unpleasant conversation infront of the chefs out of respect. We came home he went straight to bed after. The few times I tried to bring it up he changed the conversation.
Still haven’t talked about it. But I am still upset days later. I am pretty sure he thinks after the dinner everything is made up for. Should I bring it up again? I don’t want to a nagging wife. Am I overreacting? Am I being impossible to please?