Anyone else living a double life?
Phew, so it’s been a really emotional day. I have been sitting here thinking about the situation I got myself in to. The only person who knows I use kratom extracts multiple times a day is my husband who takes it recreationally.
I’m 40, a mom, PhD student who researches the depictions of substance use disorder in popular culture, college librarian, professor, artist, lost my brother to an overdose, and volunteer with prison education. So yeah, I probably doxed myself, so in the off chance you know me, be cool!!!
I share this to say that while I have an alternative appearance (piercings, fun hair, unique fashion), and all that, there are zero other stereotypical indicators that I have a substance abuse problem.
I guess I’m just not someone who you’d assume is an addict because of all I take on, especially since I’m not in a legal state. It reminded me of the professor (I think at Columbia?) who is open about being an IV user of a “street” version of this (doing my best with the filter here!). I feel like I’m living a double life as I chew a tablet in my office before a meeting or a 1/4 tablet before I have a class in order to get through it.
I don’t think I’m special or all that impressive of a human being at the end of the day… it’s just that I always looked at my brother and said, “This is what an addict looks like.” Unable to hold a job, in and out of prison, stealing Legos from Walmart (the unofficial currency of dealers) to buy what he needed to avoid withdrawals.
I’m thinking that it might help a lot of people not feel so alone if anyone else in the professional, non-profit, and/or education sectors could share their stories.
No one bats an eye if a line cook shares that they use opioids, but I feel like working in higher ed, presenting at conferences, publishing articles, I am somehow able to tell myself that I have it figured out if that makes sense. The world needs to do a better job of presenting addiction as something that can hit any of us.