u/ComplexCandidate7615

We were crossing a highway footbridge at night. She led the way and I followed, upon the first step there was a filthy disheveled homeless man walking down. I felt something wrong was about to happen but brushed it off. As he came down near where I was, he deliberately brushed his side against me, something like shoulder checking, it happened very quickly and he ran away. I screamed. My mom turned to me and I clutched onto her bc I was scared. She was nervously laughing (?) or something and asked what happened and all. Couldn't speak from shock.

The first proper words that came out of her mouth were: "You could have moved more to the side when you saw him, right..?" (so he wouldn't be able to push against me). SERIOUSLY? I was furious when I heard that. Come on, I was scared. I can tell you I have minimal interactions with men, and I'm very wary of them. My father was absent for most of my life and the only men I interacted with were my grandfather and uncles, mind you.

I walked faster than her after that, she didn't even try comforting or asking more. In fact she even felt a bit upset of my reaction. When we got home we never spoke about it anymore, I rest for a bit before taking a shower but she cuts me off with: "You already came in contact with that man but have the audacity to sit around instead of showering/cleaning up??". I have no words anymore.

Anyways I felt unexplainably dizzy after that event, and the footbridge has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth. Can anyone explain why their first instinct is to victim blame??? I always feel like they think I have to be the wrong one at first if I didn't have enough evidence for it. Or they'll even make excuses for the other person. Seriously, who is your daughter and who is the stranger in this situation?

Please help. I'm pretty lost on what to do. For context I am 17F, I have a single mother who physically abused me as a child but stopped when I was like... 13? I don't know why. She continues verbally abusing me in some ways till this day and I feel very suffocated because I have no one to run to. My grandparents and uncle know about all of this since we live in the same house, some days they try to "protect" me but in the end my mother always wins. A lot of days they pretend nothing happened and tell me to just tolerate it and that these are just "acts of love and discipline". But I know it's all bullshit, they both have a dysfunctional dynamic with my mother too so it doesn't help talking. I haven't talked to my uncle in years even though we live under the same roof because of some misunderstandings back then, he's avoidant with my mother too because of another problem that happened to them way way back. So really, he doesn't give a fuck and acts all normal. In the end, I really have no one to run to.

I love my mom and all, I mean she provided everything for me, all of my needs and more. She gets me what I want from time to time. But I have been always missing an emotional connection with her. I say I love her but I don't know if I really mean it. It's hard to forget the abuse I went through the past years although I'm pretty sure others had way way worse experiences.

Here's what she has done/continues doing to me from time to time:

- When she would be physically violent with me when I was a child she would either pull my hair violently, slap/punch me, smear my face on the floor and stuff and many more

- When I got a bad grade once (I usually do great in school) she acted all nice and stuff but ultimately beat me up in the end

- I made a mistake of asking/telling a story of my father so she made me eat outside the house like a fucking pig. Made me eat mango with my bare hands and pulled me by my hair (i dont remember much) in the end I looked so messy and humiliated outside.

- Knows I have milk fatigue (said by doctor) but continued to force me drinking milk and ultimately I throwed up going to school so I again, felt humiliated.

- Whenever we have fights she never acknowledges her mistakes and just wants the argument to patch up so she says sorry and stuff but continues to tell me I was in the wrong, (I WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE WRONG FOR HER AND SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT FOR SOME REASON)

- This continues to happen but all the things she says to me when she's heated up...god... she tells me it should be better if either she KILLS HERSELF OR KILLS ME because she doesn't know what to do with me anymore. She also sometimes wishes I got hit by a truck or shit like that

Anyway, we continue to act like a normal mother and daughter at times. She actually thinks I'm okay but she'll never know the truth. I'm a master actress so even though I have gone to school with concealer to hide the beating marks she gave me, I look just like any normal girl with a thriving life to most people. It's exhausting really, to put up an act, even my closest friends never knew this part of my life and rightfully so, because I think I've built a wall around me from that trauma that I can never fully trust anyone and then wonder why it feels so isolating: surrounded by people but still alone.

She tells me that when I get a job in another country I have to take her with me to repay everything she has done for me. But honestly? Fuck that. I've felt so suffocated in my life that once I'm all good, all I can think of is to stay away from her as much as possible. Am I selfish for that? It doesn't help that I might be queer, and I've heard her talk about "those people" in such an invalidating and inhumane way.

Any advice would help, if you've read through all of this, thank you and I hope we all heal from everything we have gone through.