u/Complete_Mountain604

We can decide to stop spiraling whenever we are ready. That part, I have agency over.

I know this. Compartmentalization is one of my greatest strengths.

Entertaining this yearning is unhealthy af. It is an attempt at control, and I am not in control.

Am I sustaining this because I love you, you are my soulmate, you are my twin flame, or you are my muse?

There is nothing left. I left, and you LEFT left.

I think neither of us would call what is happening in my head love. This part is just withdrawals.

And if we really are connected, this energy serves neither of us.

If we share anything at all, I want it to be bright, loving energy, regardless if we are ever together.

It's what I give everyone else irl.

I'm sorry I didn't have self-control, and I allowed my head to spiral.

I torture myself because I love two people-- one as my best friend and one as what I can only assume is a soulmate-- and I don't want to love two people like this.

The real world doesn't name my love for you love.

I don't think they're right, but that doesn't matter.

I won't delete this time because I've done that, like, five times already, and I keep coming back and starting the same cycle over again.

I need to see the pattern of descent from simply loving you unconditionally to spiraling into rumination, if or when I try to return again, as a warning.

I'm going to go back to zen.

I need to also, for everyone I have and will interact with.

It's my responsibility not to allow this self-professed prison to poison the well I'm attempting to fill.

You're right. I am free. I am choosing to stay. So, I am likely not ready for an us.

I just got started transforming other aspects of my life, and all of these are falling into place, so they must be right.

They say that people like me, we feel when something is right.

I felt that with you.

It is this situation and how I'm treating it that is all wrong.

"A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right person... and when we expect nothing in return." - Bhagavad Gita

Love isn't wrong.

Time isn't wrong.

My actions and thoughts are.

I love you, so I'm going to let go.

I cannot control the universe. I am not in control. It is okay. Just let go of the steering wheel. It's okay. Everything else in my life is moving in the direction it should, in the direction that feels in alignment with my life. Everything else feels right. It is only this that feels conflicted. And, it's because I'm trying to write the ending, because I thought this was the right thing to do. :( I am a good person. I am trying. I am so tired of trying in this. I don't want to hurt anyone. Hurting anyone just hurts me. Will you tell me it's okay? We'll sit together in another plane of existence? Then, you can feel my peaceful spirit? My spirit is not like this. I think, it found you, and it was so joyful, but then I ripped your thread from me, and that is why my spirit is in turmoil. Because the world tells me to stay right here. But the universe says I should be... there.

I feel the pendulum swing to the logical end (again) as an act of self-preservation.

I cannot distinguish between your emotions and my emotions.

Not because we are one and the same.

But because they're all me.

I am sustaining a fantasy.

I don't know if you were to read my words what judgment you'd carry.

The souls who interact and dare to convene with mine, both here in the void and in tangible life, none of them have been you.

When I retracted, in true mirror-like fashion, you seemed to retract further.

This lake has become an ocean.

We might as well be on different continents.

Planets, even.

We both understand and respect the weight feelings carry.

Hell, you've built a living off emotions.

But I think we are inherently both logical people.

I wish I could ask you about all your good and bad things, but I can't.

I wish I could tell you about all my good and bad things, but I can't.

We tell other people about our day.

We kiss, hold, touch, and make love with other people.

Every beautiful, endearing imperfection is shared, seen, and cherished by other people.

I want this with you for some reason beyond my feeble comprehension.

But I do not have it, and I have even worked against it.

And so have you.

This is the truth.

I need to accept the truth.

Right?

Right.

Loyalty is strange, because it isn't determined by proximity.

I am loyal to your ghost. I know that makes no sense given the circumstances, and yet it is the truth.

Most people leave a glance as a glance; a kind word as kindness.

Mild attraction is fleeting and common, and rarely worth further thought or action.

But, there was this person who was quite persistent the other day. If you knew the limitations of my predicament, you would understand why I couldn't just leave.

I somewhat admired their directness, to be honest.

It was fascinating to be so clearly desired when most people hesitate nowadays. There was a certain power they possessed in that moment.

Did I make you feel this way once with my open admiration?

I could only think of you in that moment...

So, here is my confession, no holds barred.

I want you to be hungry for me.

I want you to show me how starved you are.

I want to know without a shadow of a doubt you want to devour my mind, my heart, my soul.

I want to know that there is such a high concentration of oxygen trapped in your lungs from holding your breath for me that if I lit a match we would violently set flame.

Most days, I really just think about what it would be like to be near you and feel the joy of your presence with no fanfare.

But, I would be lying to myself if I did not admit the hunger I have for you, even if just to the void.

I want to devour you.