I think I’ve fallen in love again but it feels so different than the last time I fell in love.
The last time it was passionate, raw and emotional.
This time it feels more casual, calm, safe and warm.
I am starting to question if every time you fall in love, is it different?
I have cysts on my vagina from HS so I can barely walk, my hands are swollen, feels like razors when I step on my feet. Every joint down to my jaw is aching.
I’ve taken my max prescribed pain meds and supplemented Tylenol on top like I was told to do when it got severe and it’s barely touching it.
I can’t sleep, I cant even stretch which usually helps because too much movement and the cysts on my vagina hurt.
I got out of an abusive relationship and 8 months of court and harassment, I’m in a relationship but it’s long distance and I barely get to see her. Even if I could see her right now, can’t have sex. Sex is painful both physically and emotionally thanks to my ex and lupus.
Only thing that makes me kinda happy is my cat.
Everything I wanted for my life seems to slowly disintegrate in front of my eyes. Nothings going the way I planned. I won’t even get the standard “married and have kids” cause I can’t give birth and no adoption agency would allow me to adopt in my condition and my current partner doesn’t want to give birth. I also don’t want to be a parent if I can’t be the parent I want to be and lupus is stopping me from that.
The stress has made everything worse. My blood pressures always high, my bodies always in pain. I can’t work enough to survive on my own and I was denied disability indefinitely after 7 years of trying so I started to try to work but I can’t do enough to survive.
I’m taking Benlysta and everyone told me it would do amazing things for me but I’m not seeing anything amazing so far.
After 8 months of fighting her in court and keeping quiet, only showing evidence to those who needed it and still her case getting dismissed JUST because she took a class that told her she shouldn’t beat people up…the next day she’s already making posts about me on Tik Tok and smearing me even more than she did before
At first, I was like “Oh I’m gonna drop my proof” but I’ve decided to keep my peace…for now. I’m just gonna keep letting her tell lies and someday, if she takes it too far or interferes with my life personally or my business. I will have all of her lies cross referenced with hard cold proof and facts.
I’m gonna let her dig her hole deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. While she does, I’m going to work on healing and living my best life and if she decides to do ANYTHING to disturb that…I’m dropping it.
I think she genuinely thinks I only have the proof from the last incident that made me leave and that’s why she had to sign the plea deal because she used to clear my phone, delete texts, calls and any photos or videos I had that didn’t make her look good. But what she doesn’t know is I started sending them immediately to a dummy email and saving them in unmarked folders deep in my files. Bruises, scratches, audio of her saying she can do whatever she wants to me and nobody will believe me, screaming at me because birds chirped in the morning, her threatening to throw glass at our cat.
I also have dated diary entries and a suicide note I started to write 4 years ago (my cat came over to me and flipped on my lap…and I thank her everyday for doing that)
This was a lesbian relationship by the way.
This is a lesbian relationship by the way
My ex broke her plea deal. We were both supposed to be in court today but she didn’t show up. I was told we were moving forward anyways and she’d appear via zoom.
I was given the option to approve a new plea, I agreed as long as no matter what her charges would stick. I’ve been smeared online and harassed for about 8 months and I wanted to ensure I could have those charges to protect myself from defamation.
I was told originally that because of this no matter if she took the plea for an extra year probation or decided to have a hearing and get 30 days, her charges would stick.
When the judge asked her if she plead guilty and that she understood she said she didn’t understand. So she went and talked to her lawyer in the hall on FaceTime.
All the sudden I’m being pulled into a room by a brand new advocate who doesn’t know my case, being yelled at, told it was my own fault for not getting a new phone number and I shouldn’t have social media. No matter what I said I was dismissed. I had a hand put in my face.
I was then told the complete opposite that no matter what I did her charges would be dismissed and she could be expunged.
I flew 500 miles and spent almost $1k to be here today and I wasn’t willing to put myself through it again if the charges weren’t even going to stick and after being yelled at and lectured for 20 minutes I gave in.
It just sucks because I feel like this new advocate took whatever my exes lawyer said more seriously than what I said because she got to talk to him before I did and she said my ex claimed to only call me once (still against her plea) and that I doxxed my ex by calling the police and asking if I should call in a wellness check the time she threatened to kill herself. I legit ASKED the police and it was used against me and isn’t even doxxing?
I was made to look like I was being petty for even showing up. The advocate said “you flew out here for nothing, what has this done for you?”
I WAS SUBPOENAED AND TOLD TO BE HERE. He knew nothing about this case.
Not to mention in the hallway with my original advocate her lawyer admitted to knowing my exes voice and agreed she’d called me several times. Then goes and says she only called once when the person who didn’t know my case showed up.
I just was already at my wits end, I have lupus, my blood pressure gets near stroke level when my ex harasses me, my heart has gotten worse due to the stress (already was on heart meds) and I was basically blamed for my own harassment.
Just a vent I guess. All I wanted was to be protected. Didn’t even care if she went to jail.