u/CompleteSteak2644

This post is a long one so better grab some soda and popcorn.
The situation is like this. I’m 26 and pregnant 6 months, my husband is 25 and my sister is 21. All 3 of us come from Romania and me and my husband have been living in The Netherlands for 5 years now. We have been through hell to get where we are now, we live comfortably in our own house (through mortgage), we have sufficient space for my sister to live with us while she has her own room and privacy. Last year(2025) in June my sister came and visited us, had a breakdown and cried everyday how unhappy she is in Romania. (Keep in mind that our family is toxic and they mentally abused us, even in the present.) so I asked her if she wanted to move from Romania to The Netherlands and live with us, for 1-2 years without paying any rent, just what she consumes like water, electricity and gas. Her face changed immediately and said that she never dared to asked me this but she wished this so it was a great proposal. I told her that the right move was to go back to Romania to finish her things like:

1. She was enrolled in university. she already completed 1 year. And i told her to stop/freeze her studies otherwise she will have to pay like i did for not showing up. We talked together and she decided to stop completely because she didn’t like it there so it was useless to try and continue later.
2. She didn’t even have a driving license so I advised her to go back to Romania and enroll in driving school as it’s really important in The Netherlands to have a car. Most jobs ask you if you have driving license and if you don’t it can be a minus.
3. It was supposed to be a holiday so I told her not to run away from home, and tell our parents that she wants to move here. (When i was 20 i ran away from home to be with my husband because my father mentally abused me for so long that I’d rather live on the streets instead in that house). And because i saw how bad my parents reacted when i ran away from home I advised her not to do the same as she will get in much more trouble.
4. She also didn’t have any of her clothes or stuff here in The Netherlands and I told her to go home and while she is there she can send luggages with clothes and things.
   So this was it. We talked and talked multiple times and she went back home, stopped her studies, took her driving license, send her things to The Netherlands behind my parents back so they wouldn’t be suspicious. Everything went fine so far. She was also having a part time job, i saw in her that she wanted more from her life and I was happy truly to take her under my wings and help her build her life here. I know just how hard life was for me at the point when i wanted to end myself so I couldn’t allow this to happen to her. I wouldn’t forgave myself if this happened ever.
   Months passed she seemed more enthusiastic with every day that passed. And at some point i started to pressure her to tell our parents that she dropped from university and she wants to move here(at this point it’s been 3 months since we plan her moving and there are around 3 left to move). Eventually she told them 2 months prior and my nightmare started. My parents blamed me for this, called me names, argued with me day after day after day. I never blamed her for this as it is not her responsibility how my parents or other people react obviously.
   The day of moving came,23 december 2025. Before she came me and my husband already made her room with all the necessities, bunked bed so she could have more space in the room and a closet to keep her things, a table so she can have the space to learn something if she wants. It was modest but it was a start. We let her use everything in the house starting from towels, dishes, everything. Also as a Christmas present we bought her a modest car so she doesn’t have to pay for it later. Because of course what use would a driver’s license have without a car? So me and my husband decided to go all in and spend 1000€ from our savings to buy her a car.
   At first we talked and were with food at common expense, we would ask each other what we would like to eat, buy groceries and then split in 3. There is where the problems started to surface. I was the only one that cooked, she would help me clean sometimes and that was it. She didn’t have a job yet as she just moved and it takes time to make the papers at the town hall for the residency. Now it’s been half january. In all this time she didn’t have a job, asked me and my husband to lend her money. Me and my husband found her jobs to apply, teached her how to apply for them and what to say. Days went by and eventually after 1 month she found a job for 3-4h a day. At this point she already had debt with us for ~1000€ (keep in mind. This was for the things she consumed like utilities, food, things she bought for herself) so not for the car or rent.
   Another month went by and she was in 1700€ debt. We kept lending her every week and it just piled up. I am worried for her of course so I keep telling her to find another job for 8h because eventually she will move out from our house and will have to pay rent which will cost at least 700€ then you add the utilities around 200€ and then rest of the expenses which she doesn’t pay with us, like internet that costs 60€/month. So in order to help her i tell her to split the debt for a few months and to start working more. My husband helped find a second job so now she almost hits 8h a day, 5days a week. It should be ok, right? I mean around 1600€-2000€ netto/month and you don’t pay rent which is the biggest expense. You should be able to put money in savings fast. Well, how WRONG I was.
   I found out I’m pregnant on 4 January and i have a great pregnancy so far, sometimes i feel tired but nothing to worry about. In my first trimester i was mostly a vegetable and i was expecting her to help me without me asking. That didn’t happen at all. I had to ask her to clean up after herself, take the trash out and basic things. My husband is helping me constantly with cleaning, groceries, paying all the bills, making food for me. But yeah, he’s a man and he really didn’t want to do all this stuff for my sister especially when he saw that she needs to be asked multiple times to do something. For example he asked her “hey, can you take the trash out now?” She would say “yes” and then proceeded to forget. And then my husband had to do the task. At first it wasn’t annoying but with time it gets frustrating because she just kept going with this. “I forgot” “you didn’t tell me i have to do this”.
   As a context, we have a Rottweiler puppy which was 8weeks when my sister moved. And the puppy will randomly have accidents in the house and she saw it and leave it there until me or my husband cleaned up. Or she would scream “the puppy pissed”. Like okay, i get it, it’s my dog but you can help me especially when I helped you so much. It’s the least you can do for me now even that I’m pregnant for the first time i had pain every time i moved and I couldn’t get out of the bed.
   She kept leaving the hallway light on every time. And it took me 1 month of daily argument to make her stop this behavior. She would turn on the light and then do her things. She always seemed to forget to close it. Some days she said she just left it for 5 minutes. Some days she argued back that she is 100% she turned off the light. Some days she would cry she forgot. I don’t want to be toxic and abusive like my dad so at this point even if I’m annoyed i don’t scream at her even if i feel like it.
   One day my husband asked from her for a battery and she said to give it back because it was super expensive (duracell). Like what? You don’t pay rent and other things, i bought you a car and you ask back a battery for 2€? My husband then got really mad at her but never argued with her. He only told me and i felt in the middle because i know why my sister is the way that she is but also her behavior it’s not okay especially at 21yo.
   She constantly asks stupid questions like “what do you say if i do this?” “Am i correct?” “Can i ask you a question?” Multiple times a day which with time becomes annoying. I had multiple talks with her about her situation, that she should learn dutch and do some courses or something because she can’t work her whole life in cleaning. I told her i’m sorry if she feels like she has to walk on egg shells at this point because i would just get annoyed even when I should not. I have no excuse, i choose how I react. I’m not using my pregnancy as a privilege to scream at her or use her as my slave/maid.
   She is free to leave the house whenever she wants, she can sleep at whatever hour she wants, she can take baths, eat, etc at whatever time she likes. I’m not my dad. She has full liberty of her life and her time. I just asked from her to be responsible with her future. Work and invest her free time in something that can help her in the future because again, eventually she will have to move out and then it’s just her. I advised her to make friends. I gave her tips and such things. She just sits in the house, jerking off mentally by doing shitty courses which she never finishes. She keeps telling us she knows already B2 level dutch but she can’t even form a basic sentence. I told her i want her to take accountability of her life and stop being childish. She acts like it’s not her life in the game. While i have my own important problems i also have to take care of hers daily.
   For example. Me and my husband bought a car for 13,000€ and the car ended up having hidden motor defects and now we have to sue the dealer. The baby comes in 3 months. We didn’t have a drivable car for 1 month. We had to spend another 1500€ for another car. So now we own 2 cars for which we pay insurance road tax and so on. And then she comes with her problems from work “so my boss told me today that i didn’t clean great but i know i did”.
   Me and my husband had to go back to romania for 3 weeks for our wedding and my sister couldn’t come so she just stayed in our house by herself. She didn’t pay anything more. She only paid what she ate and her part of utilities. I might add that she consumed 120m3 of gas in 3 weeks in april. All 3 of us consumed 120m3 in january with the central heating on nonstop. We never charged her extra for her mistake. Me and my husband just paid our part even of we didnt consume anything. Because of course, if we aren’t at home we don’t consume utilities, right? Also we had to take our dog to a pet sitter 24/7 and we paid 300€. The cats remained at home with my sister and she totally ignored them. The cats have a water fountain which you fill at around 3 days. I left 5 bowls for the cats and she had to refill them at around 3-4 days. Also the litter she didn’t clean it daily, more like once every few days(it’s not automatic).
   One day i called her on video and i saw that our house was a total disaster. She slept in the living room, all the sheets were thrown everywhere on the couch, she had her portable piano in the living room, a lamp that she carried throughout the house, on the dining table there were stuffed she used to “learn” like books, pens so on. In the kitchen sink there were a lot of dirty dishes and we have a dishwasher. So at that point i asked her in a normal tone “is this normal?” And she kept screaming at me and saying “why do you even do this? Why do you need to check the house?” I got angry and I threw the “because it’s my house; and you’re living in it. You have your personal room to stay and make disaster in it. Don’t make the whole house a mess” and then she cried and i felt like shit for saying this. Also i asked her to show me the inside of the fridge. Of course there was leftovers from 2 weeks prior when me and my husband were home. And she just brushed it off with “i didn’t see it” but what? It was a big casserole that occupied a whole shelf, how can you not? I told her that if i ever find again molded food in the fridge she will have to buy herself a fridge because i will not allow her to do this anymore. (This keeps repeating in the future again)
   In these 3 weeks while me and my husband were gone, she had our jobs so she could get out of debt faster. I work a cleaning job for 4h and i get 1300€ netto and my husband has 2 jobs. One which pays 600€ and another one which paid 800€ (he has an online main income. This are just his side gigs). So our sister asked if she can keep our place, we talked at work. Everything went fine. She earned around 3000€ that month from which she had 400€ remained in debt, and she gifted us 500€ for the wedding(which i told her it’s too much but she insisted). Now she is almost again in debt 1 month later. She made poor financially choices and now she doesn’t have any savings. Also her car needed fixing which costs her 600€. So she’s almost again in debt from this.
   I had again talks with her and i told her this “i am responsible for you until a point. You are 21, you don’t pay rent and received a car for commuting. I’m trying to help you but i can’t anymore, i’m teaching you this and that and you ignore me. I’ve made appointments with you for you to go the psychologist and to have blood checks because you wanted to but you never went even when i kept asking you to do it because it’s for your good”
   “I didn’t like the doctor then i forgot” that’s her response then she cries
   Of course i feel bad, she’s my sister. I have to see her cry. I know she is overwhelmed from the moving, I’m trying to be for her more of a mom rather that a sister 5 years bigger. Sometimes i feel like i keep her part more even when she’s wrong and i know this annoys my husband. I don’t know how to talk with her anymore. I’ve tried all sorts of ways. I’ve talked nice, firm, argued(never call her names or curse at her). At this point i see that she is afraid to say anything because i get irritated at her for everything. I’m trying to help her but she doesn’t listen, she does it her way or not at all. She can’t manage by herself, she has a speech impediment and stutter a lot especially either way strangers at the point she can’t even ask for directions if she needs. I told her that i’m not going to kick her out whatever she does. She must sleep with my husband for this to happen which i now it never will, i trust both of them and honestly they kind of hate each other and don’t really talk. My husband complains to me about her which I understand, he is frustrated for helping her and she takes it for granted. Her whole life my parents treated her like she is mentally slow and did everything for her. Now she doesn’t take accountability, she forgets important things for her, she doesn’t do things and then she argues with me that she is 100% sure she did. But she never does. For example:
   My husband bought me some flowers and my sister offered to put them in water. She put the flowers in a jar and took them outside. 3 days later the flowers were completely dead. I checked the jar and it was completely clean. She had forgotten to put water. I called her, explained her the situation and that it’s not about the flowers but about the thing that she does things and she forgets and then argues with me for this. She cried and screamed because she told me she is 100% sure she put water. But she didn’t, also i had one more bouquet from 2 weeks prior with green water and those flowers were still fresh somehow. So under any circumstances the new flowers can’t be dead without water. She then cried even worse because she thought me and my husband try to make her feel like she’s losing her mind. Then she cried because she is frustrated for forgetting things.
   1day later she lost some id from the car because she moved it’s place. She frantically searched for it and made a mess in her room. I went in to see if she’s alright and if she found the id card of the car. As soon as i came in i saw the card in front of her eyes and i tell her “look, it’s right in front of you” then she snaps and cries and says “did you put it there?” Very accusatory. I snap back and i say “are you fucking crazy? No! I’m tired of you forgetting things and then accusing me” then she literally collapsed and cried so bad that I didn’t even know how to react anymore. I felt bad for what i said but also i felt like exploding. She then kept explaining to me that this has been going for a long time and she doesn’t know the reality anymore and that she’s confused and doesn’t understand what is happening to her. At this point i almost cry too but i try and keep myself. I told her to make again an appointment to the psychologist and talk with someone that knows about this kind of problem, i am honestly overwhelmed and also disappointed in myself because i wish i could have understood her more and helped her even more than i did, but in the same time i feel like she does this on purpose (which she doesn’t obviously). I now feel like she relies on “yeah, i’m stupid. I forget” which will not get her too far in life.. you can’t just say “i am who i am” and that’s it. Again, she will eventually have to move away and i am really worried that she is not going to be good on her own and i can’t take care of her her whole life. I also have mine.
   So my genuine question is. What did i do wrong and what could i have done better? Am i a shitty sister? Am i abusive for what i have told her until today? What should i do in this situation? I feel like if i help her i do her more bad than good because then she will never learn to be independent, meanwhile i feel like I should help her more because she can’t help herself, meanwhile i’m tired because i have my own life, a kid coming, a husband and overall my own problems. I am literally stuck and i don’t know what to do.
   There are many things that I didn’t wrote as it would take a week to read it all. But important is that i never hit her, i never curse at her (i curse overall at the situation but i never call her names), i currently feel weird and cringe, and i know she does feel this too. If she ever asks me for money i will give her as much as i can, if she needs my help i help her even if i keep her a moral about it(after being the 3rd time I explained her x,y,z thing) so yeah overall i don’t need praise for being the sister of the year. I just need other people’s opinion because i don’t know what do to anymore in this situation.