u/Complete-Slice2878

I’m 15, have been self harming on and off for the past 1.5 years or so but it’s been escalating again. I know I need help but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I dissociate when talking, basically leaving me to say things that don’t match what I’m thinking, I literally can’t talk if I get too nervous, and my life is already in such a precarious position I’m afraid if I come clean I’m going to get coddled and hidden away and lose everything that still makes my life worth living. My emotions and psyche are two humongous messes that I can’t make sense of, I can’t count on my own mind to actually be able to reliably do anything without someone else’s guidance. My self esteem is basically zero, my mental state seems to regress randomly, and Im afraid all the masking I’ve been doing is too convincing. I don’t want to come free but I’m starting to have visual hallucinations alongside existing audio ones, flinch at even the slightest touch and nearly had a nervous breakdown in public. Even I can’t figure out what’s going on, so how do I explain this to others while not feeling like I’m going insane again.