u/Competitive_War_7964

I feel nothing, its like im living a endless dream nothing feels real, except when i cant take living like this anymore and then i just break down on crying, its like a body mechanism for releasing something heavy inside me, i cant organize thoughts, i lost the touch with time, cus it keeps passing faster and faster and nothing fucking changes, cant remember anything i experience in day to day life, cus its so monotonous, even if something different happens i cant feel good, im still here cus somehow im still a coward to end my life, cus i cant feel GOOD, nothing is worth what it is cus i cant feel GOOD ABOUT LIVING, no matter what i do, i get out of home and its just a full reminder that it all feels like a dream, i touch things and its like im touching nothing, i eat things and its like im eating nothing, im losting my creativity on doing art, which was there for me on the worst times of my life, but its starting to lose its meaning too, cus art is all about puting what you feel into it, and i just cant do this anymore, in a way thats interesting, its like im trapped inside my own head, and i cant get out, its been like this for years, and i dont have money for a good doctor, i passed with a therapist for some time, that didnt even knew what to do when i bringed that up, cus here therapists cant prescribe meds, only psychiatrist and they are INSANELY expensive, so in theory a therapist and a psychiatrist would had to work together.

there's no way there's only that to life, was i fucking cursed to be like that for the rest of it? Is it even worth it? Im 20 i have to study so then i can have a better life and stop being poor to the point of strugling to have basic human rights, like having money to buy adhd meds that i need to be a functioning human being, but guess what? I CANT STUDY my head is so bad im forgeting WORDS i have 0 executive function, cus i have a hard time getting out of bed every single day, and on top of that, im so fucking lonely, i dont have close friends in real live to get out and have fun, cus idk why my mind pushes my self to isolate more, im having difficulty to even write this cus i cant organize what im thinking

Idk j just feel like trans woman are so much more seen in online culture like idk lets play channels or anything nerdy, its like they are so much more praised for being what they are, its either that or non binary, trans men are fucking invisible everywhere, it must be cus most are stealth, but nobory praises trans men for being, its funny in a way and sad (im talking about it inside the trans community were non binary and trans women are often more seen and more praised not outside by non lgbt people)