Parent Expectations
TLDR: Aging, terminal parents have high expectations for transportation to appointments and activities + time spent. Are boundaries a thing or do we just suck it up?
My husband and I are the sole relatives responsible for caring for his mother and father. Mother is 85 with stage 4 cancer and father is 85 with Alzheimer’s.
When she was diagnosed with cancer 5 months ago, after several “escapes” and minor falls, it became very clear that she could no longer care for him. They live in a community with progressive care. We moved him into memory care when she began chemo. She is still in independent living on the same campus—an hour away from us. Memory care has been a huge help but in many ways she has gotten more demanding of our time.
We both work full time but have some flexibility in our schedules. We are incredibly fortunate in this regard. She goes to chemo (labs/dr visit/chemo) 3 weeks on/1 week off. These are all day appointments. I typically take her at 7 am and my husband relieves me around lunchtime.
On top of that are their other doctors’ appointments, attorney/advisor meetings, etc. that all require 80+ miles round trip of driving. If we are splitting the day, we are both driving 80 miles round trip. It’s exhausting, not to mention the cost of gas + tolls/parking. There is also the expectation that we drive the hour to spend the day one Saturday or Sunday every weekend. That entails lunch, errands, etc.
We have repeatedly asked to be consulted about appointments/activities outside of chemo days *before* they are scheduled. We both need our jobs and are both falling behind trying to make all these appointments. There are lots of snide comments and guilt trips if we aren’t dropping everything to meet her requests. We’re both exhausted, our mental health is not great, and neither of us are able to make the time for a doctor appointment of our own.
My husband doesn’t feel like he has a choice but to do what’s asked—she’s dying, so is he. But this feels so overwhelming and untenable. Are boundaries an acceptable thing when dealing with two aging people with terminal diseases? I feel terrible for the resentment I feel. Clearly, it’s worse being in their situation.