Need advice
Hi everyone, my(29F) former partner (32M) ended our 8 year relationship (almost 6 living together)11 weeks ago. It came very out of the blue for me, we had had some rocky last few months with communication and I think we were both frustrated as feeling unseen and unheard. I am in my final year of a really intense 5 year university degree so it has been a stressful time regardless.
At the time my partner had said they were unhappy and didn't see a way forward. I went straight into damage control mode and accepted the breakup (although I did plead that I didn't want it and how much I loved them). The breakup was really emotional and we both cried for day but didn't discuss anything in full. I had admitted I took was unhappy and had thought of breaking up but I am anxious and often catastrophise, I absolutely never wanted this to happen. Three days later I moved out of our home and have been staying with friends with our dog and cat that we shared since.
To say it's been absolute hell is an understatement. I've struggled to do anything, self care is such a chore, I barely make food and have lost 5kg in weight. I barely want to walk my dog and no motivation to study for my final exams. I wake up in so much despair that for weeks now I wish I could just end it all and never wake up. At the time my partner had said he thinks we should come back together and talk about what we went through and at the time I wanted too but also because I asked if he would consider discussing us again and he said he would be open. But 3 weeks post BU I called him as I was really not coping and he was very cold and threw the entire relationship in my face. Said he had to be cold to not give false hope and made me feel ridiculous that I thought there was something still there. I said I couldn't speak to him in person about the relationship as it would just destroy me more. He said he hopes I can get to a place one day where I feel we can talk.
I'm moving soon to live with my sister, and I still have a bunch of things at our home that I've organised to collect in a few weeks. It just feels he is absolutely okay with me walking out of his life and it kills me. I'm struggling to process things and wondering if it's worth getting some answers. I've been doing complete NC where I can except for organising logistics of getting my things. I'm holding on to so much hope which I'm trying to let go of but it's so hard. I don't see things getting better, it's my first heartbreak and I'm genuinely devastated and feel nothing for life right now.
I'm on antidepressants and doing therapy but still struggling so much. Any advice would be really appreciated ❤️🩹