Wanted a simple low key low intensity affair
I started a long distance affair two years ago.. it was long distance . My needs felt simple to me ( atleast to me) - just some occasional texts, calls and someone to talk to and be there for them. I didn’t want I love yous and a grand gestures. But turns out what I thought was a simple need was actually not. The man I was in an affair started with an intense lovebombing - constant text and calls and even flew to meet me and insisted on just meeting me for coffee.. all this hit me so much happiness and even though more than what I asked for, it felt too good to resist.
And then came the slow replies, delayed calls, the “ I am busy” texts - though there were occasional hour long video calls which kept me hooked on. The utter confusion and anxiety of not knowing when he will text or call next just made me obsessed with him. On the days he didn’t call, I would imagine him being happy with his wife and it messed up my mind so much.. I realized this was never going to be ok unless there was some level of consistency. But I knew he would do these intense calls and then disappear and he preferred it to be consistent. I decided to end it multiple times, blocking , unblocking . Every-time I ended it , he would somehow come back to me and the cycle will start again
Till I was very honest with him and told him, I can’t do without consistency - maybe it was too much to ask in an affair - but I really couldn’t function in this type of tea anymore.. it has been two months since.. a part of me wishes he would come back and other part knows he won’t, that I have ended the loop finally after two years. Somehow he trained my brain by coming back so many times, but this time I am being forced to accept he won’t.