I’m disgusted with myself for being upset
I’ll try and keep this short cause if I go into all the details it’ll be a novel. I’m a 27 year old man who in the past year got diagnosed with a neuromuscular autoimmune disease. My now ex girlfriend was 26.
Over the course of our near 2 year relationship, she’d had multiple instances of lying, anger issues, maturity issues, and impulsivity. A large majority of which tie back to her absolutely toxic family. She would go from being the person I fell in love with and bought a ring for, someone kind, patient, gentle, and loving. Then spend some time around her family, and come back a completely different person throwing her phone at me shattering it, punching the concrete patio breaking her hand, stealing keys to my house and showing up while I’m asleep because she “wanted to hurt me” kind of thing.
We’ve had 3-4 big instances where her family issues boiled over causing us almost to break up. Each instance it was recognized she was berating me with things that I never did. Sometimes it was literally things her dad did to her mother and she was ridiculing and blaming me for them. This last time though it escalated and we split. She accused me of assault, and sent her dad to come get her things. He broke through my door and grabbed me by the neck where he ended up staring down my personal defense item and my pitbull mix. Sent him on his way with her things and denied the assault. Went to the cops and I filled a report of the entire instance including video evidence of the accused assault where the police even stated there was no assault.
Now I’m sitting here thinking through everything and the horrible things she’s done to me like this. Times she demanded I take my max amount of meds because she wanted to lay on top of me and my disease made that excruciatingly painful. Times she told my family she refused to help me with ADLs cause it’s just something I needed to do cause despite my disease it would be taking advantage of her if she help with laundry or the dishes. Yet, in spite of of all of that, I think back to the version of her that I knew, loved, and bought a ring for from about a year ago and feel myself wanting her back.
I’m absolutely disgusted with myself for feeling that way considering the things she’s done to me. I just don’t know how to continue cause even though I’m in the clear of the accusations, this false accusation thing is a man’s worst nightmare. I have nothing I can really do currently besides sit and stare at the tv or play video games currently cause my legs aren’t working still, so that means I’m just alone thinking about it constantly. I just wish we could have talked it out but I know I can’t risk that.
I’m posting this here to see if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar. How am I supposed to pick up the pieces? How am I suppose to feel better about it all? How do I move on and accept she isn’t who I thought she was?