me (23M) and my partner (23F) do not have matching libidos
Me and my partner have very different libidos. We live together (ab a year and a half) and have been dating officially for 3 and a half years but we had about a year long situationship for a year before that. I'm also a trans guy if that adds any context. We have a really good relationship and i don't see myself with anyone else. I feel like we're soulmates. The only thing that doesn't usually work well is our sex drive. We started our situationship when I first started hormones (which can up your libido, and it did for me, a lot). So we would do it a lot back then. Now that i've been on hormones for a while, I feel like my libido is back to its normal state, which isn't much.
I honestly think i might be on the ace spectrum. Sex isn't really that important to me in a relationship. I rarely get horny and if I do it's usually if i smoke or take an edible which is rare. I also am the type of person to kind of shut down sexually when i'm stressed.
My partner on the other hand has a pretty high libido. She'd like doing it everyday if we could. It's very important to her and is a big part of how she feels connected with me. We average about once or twice a week, depending on life situations.
I recently graduated college and have had a lot more free time so she's been wanting to do it like every day or every other day and it's been kind of a lot for me but during my finals we only did it like 2-3 times in a month so i've been trying to be more flexible now.
I kind of just don't know what to do because it feels like a lose lose situation. I do it when she wants but i'm not really in the headspace for it so then we both don't feel great after because i don't feel present. Or i don't do it when she wants and she gets upset and then i get upset and I can't focus on what i was doing anyways.
I also think I have ADHD and it's very hard for me to focus and get started on things, so when im locked in on something i've been needing to do and she wants me to stop what im doing to have sex, even if its really quick and it's just me pleasuring her, it can be upsetting to me because its very difficult for me to get back into what im working on after. Which is why I still get upset if I dont do it because I can tell she's upset about it and it just takes up all my thoughts to the point where i cant focus anymore. (Which is kind of a me problem but it adds to the issue of i don't know what to do).
I wish I could just up my libido or that she could just have a lower libido because compromise seems to just leave both of us upset. I feel pressured to do something and sometimes it feels like it's more important to her than things like emotional needs. She feels unwanted and undesirable and like I don't make time for her needs and she feels like shes a burden. I don't want to break up, but I can't figure out a solution. Any advice is appreciated.
TLDR: i have too low libido for her, she has too high for me but we love each other and don't want to break up.