u/Commercial-Range7910

Hello,

I'm trying to self-study pre-calculus, computer science, and German. I would like to one day return to a university to either take courses or by some miracle, earn my bachelor's degree in the subject. I have ADD and was severly depressed and bullied in middle and high school and frankly my grades were very poor. Fast forward to 32-35 and I have slowly but surely unlearned the self-loathing and idea that I am "born dumb" or have a "low IQ" and cannot achieve if I work hard.

I am studying nightly after work and hope to enroll in classes someday soon. I just have a sinking feeling that I missed my opportunity to achieve. I feel out of place trying to learn. Are there more senior studiers here struggling with similar emotions? I just cannot stop feeling angry at myself for not being more serious in high school.

Thanks for reading my vent.

Here me out:

I recently read James Baldwin's Collected Essays : Notes of a Native Son / Nobody Knows My Name / The Fire Next Time / No Name in the Street / The Devil Finds Work / Other Essays edited by Toni Morrison and damn was that man a genius. I as a millennial white person can only read and ponder on the trials and dangers and hardships African-Americans endured during his lifetime. That man could write a sentence sharper than knives and wrote with such caustic language which ripped apart white "supremacy" in America. I highly recommend the book as a window into what true social alienation and rejection is all about. He knew how dark ordinary Americans' souls could be. How callous.

Sometimes I read historical figures such as Jackie Robinson, Rev. Martin Luther King and think damn, these are giants among vermin. Their perseverance in the face of the unknown and stress is so powerful.

We have much to learn from these great leaders about how to face extreme pressure and harsh bullying. "Bullying" is a playground word that never should be used. When I witnessed or experienced bullying, it was at times racial (directed at minorities) or anti-woman or because of someone's looks or socio-economic status. The intent is to destabilize someone else and direct their attention away from schoolwork or work.

The school and workplace climate we have now is directly descended from the evil of the segregated workplaces and schools. Only a few decades or generations removed. To think we live in an era free of racism or cruelty is laughable.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we cannot let them destabilize and detract from our work-goals or whatever we are trying to accomplish. When we see that they are only trying to detract from our success then we pull the curtain-back so to speak and see they are not the great and powerful Oz.

Thank you for reading my babbling rant.