I’m (30f) considering ending my relationship with (31m) of 2 years over his enmeshment with his mother.. help
Some details, my partner and I have been together for 2 years. Approaching the time we are considering moving in together. We only get to see eachother 2 times a week and it’s hard. Basically this man is my best friend. He’s very quirky and unique and doesn’t fit typical toxic man stereotypes. His mother has never been a good mom. He moved out as a teenager and lived on his own most of his life. Anyways, his mom has essentially never wanted to work. She went from man to man to live off of… so one day my partner gets a call that her house is going into foreclosure and that her and his brother will become homeless. So he swooped in and bought the house and completely supports his mom financially. When him and I first started dating, he was living separately in a tiny home so I never really even saw her or understood the dynamic much. A friend ended up living in the tiny home for a few months this past year, so he started living in the main home with his mom.. that’s when I noticed how deep it was. I realized they’re essentially married and in a domestic partnership. Meal planning, gardening, home projects, you name it. She recently made a joke to me saying that she’s going to be screaming for him to bring her a Pepsi when she’s 120… and it dawned on me. Holy shit he’s going to be taking care of her for the rest of her life. I found out he’s never told her that he’s in a relationship with me… he actually smacks my hand away if she enters the room. Anyways, a lot of fights have happened over this situation and we came up with the following. He needs to create a separate bank for her and get her her own car. We looked into a way to make the tiny home more up to code and want to move her in there so that him and I can live together in the main house. Also he’s supposed to make her stop smoking in the house (it’s disgusting) And I said he absolutely needs to tell her we’re dating. It’s been months and he hasn’t told her we’re together. My gut says that she views me as a threat to her meal ticket son. They’ve even joked to me that him stepping up to pay her way will make it so she doesn’t have to get a boyfriend (like hello?? Do they not hear what it sounds like!?
He’s a replacement for a husband… the ick is getting strong and she’s increasingly bothering us when we’re together. Like anytime I’m at the house, she takes over conversations and talks to him about her video games or things she needs. I swear she has to know what she’s doing. Also, he completed one part of the boundary setting with her.. he told her that he’s going to move her into the small home in a year or two once it’s finished. Funny enough after that, she started using the guest bathroom. The woman has her own in her room and NEVER uses that bathroom. She’s even told me that she hasn’t in years multiple times. Then all of a sudden, he says he’s moving her out and then she starts using that bathroom and made it really gross and doesn’t replace the toilet paper roll. I viewed it as her “marking her territory”
Thing is, she doesn’t say anything to me or is mean to me, it’s more quiet and manipulative and my partner doesn’t see it. I’m considering just walking away at this point. Anyone else deal with a dynamic like this? I feel like the affair/ secret in his marriage to his mom. HELP