Repressed memories came up… (details of sex with spouse mentioned)
So recently, after my mom passed away after 15 years no contact, I had repressed memories including CSA come up.
My therapist guided me to do a partial hospitalization program because I was struggling to want to live after all of that came up. When I entered it, I also started an SSRI for my OCD (which historically SSRIs caused the inability to orgasm) right away. (I had cold turkey-ed off allll my meds as self sabotage so at the same time, I was put back on all my regular medications.)
A week and a half in, I stopped the medication because it was causing that issue. Well, it was GREATLY helping my depression and I didn’t know because I had started all of my medications back up at the same time (and figured those were what were helping the depression). I hit rock bottom and had to be out back on it due to horrible SI.
So I figured I’d just deal with it until trauma got processed and maybe things would get better.
Recently, I have tried on my own to reach climax and with help (reading or video material) I can get there no problem. With previous medications, I couldn’t even reach on my own.
Even incorporating that into intimacy with my husband… I can’t reach.
Is this not the medication like I thought and instead the trauma? Has anyone experienced similar? I feel safe with my husband. I’ve never struggled before (outside of due to medication) but I never knew about the SA before.
The goal is to do EMDR soon. I’m trying to be hopeful this will get better… but has this ruined my sexual relationship with my husband?
Part of me wants to go off the medication for a bit and try… but I know it isn’t safe.
I just need to know if anyone has any insight. I’m bringing it up with my therapist on Tuesday.
I’m feeling a whole new wave of anger.