Art of letting go
The ppl I love , I hold them through the gaps and cracks in my memory. My memory which slips through my fingers where I struggle to remember ppl and faces and names and events and joy and tears. I remember the ones I love. Every smile line and fine line the color code their faces turn into when they smile or when they cry . I remember my kiss my first hug, my first laugh , the first time I wanted to let go of control and trust be vulnerable, the first time I wanted to believe in every word and every action of love. The first time is not just the first time with the first person . But the first time with every person I have been in love with briefly , deeply, obsessively, platonically, romantically, barely. I remember how they laugh , how they roll their eyes , how they fold their hands , how they talk, how they think , their habits, their likes their dislikes their favourites , their go to. Everything. Even when I love barely I know how much I can love. I never said my love was perfect or that I put in all efforts. I made mistakes. I was flawed and I ran when things got good. I couldn't receive love i didn't know how to appreciate when I got it. But I never had a problem giving it in ways they want , in providing a space where they didn't have to put on a mask or assume a persona for someone else they didn't have to impress anyone. They appreciated and loved it. If you asked me I don't know if I would do it all over again. But I enjoyed doing it. I would travel alone for 10+ hours and meet him in secrecy just to look at him smile, i would sit under the stars and listen to him talk about astronomy . I would run in the rain or cook coz of a craving and I would ruin my friendship and run through an entire relationship in super fast express coz my partner wants that. I don't regret doing any of it. I loved doing it. To make them feel loved. To show in actions things I struggle to verbalize with. Even when I let go of them physically to ask my brain to let go of the of remembering every minute detail is a cry asking for mercy to spare from the pain of not being enough of not being content of not being the priority or not wanting to compromise or not being the one. The constant reminder that they're moving on and quite easily while I can see the world move around me , living the lives I want to . While I am struggling so hard to stop the chaos in my head to stop the thought the voices the never ending dip , the drowning with a feeling of water filling up my lungs. With no vision no future no hope