I hate that I feel trapped with no way out.
The last 6 years have been a slew of nowhere jobs and housing concerns with the knowledge that I can’t move back home. I am making just enough to scrape by on the thinnest edge and while I plan on moving into a much cheaper place in a few months to offset some cost, but I am tired of working for nothing at this point. I got my stupid ass degrees and experience in terrible work environments and for what?
To work for a dense white man that is highly overpaid for his level of incompetence that acts like he doesn’t know his hand from his ass?? And other shit leadership that continues piling work onto me without a pay raise or even any consideration towards the fact that I do not have benefits or a livable wage during a global crisis but I know they don’t really care about me. Work is just about exploitation & a bunch of people making more than you trying to convince you that “this is just the job”.
I have full blown burn-out, panic attacks, stomach pains. I don’t self medicate with drugs or liquor anymore but I don’t wanna live like this any longer & because I know this is an entire systematic issue, I’m aware that there are limits to what things like therapy, meditation and even medication can do (have done it all also).
While I have thought about just moving back home, it’s an unstable household and almost lead to a potentially violent/deadly interaction with one of my siblings during Covid so I vowed to never move back home because the dynamics continue to be volatile and I’d still have to work so it seems at least somewhat reasonable to continue having my own living situation in the meantime.
I don’t have any hope or faith for the future. I don’t have any hope or faith for tomorrow. These days I think I am just waiting for everything to fully collapse so we can all stop playing pretend with these made up systems and then at least whatever happens next, will just be.
I’m not ungrateful for life - I love family, my friends, my activist community. I love movies and dancing and music. I love good food, sex and even working hard where it matters. I just can’t find it in me to pretend I’m grateful for these crumbs and scraps anymore.