u/CollarImportant7500

Hi. I hope you are doing well. Although I know you are probably okay and doing perfectly fine, I still had it in my heart to reach out and check on you.

I think this will be the longest but last message I am sending to you. I hope you will read it, and I hope you will feel every word I say cos I poured my heart out in this. I cried for nights putting every feelings I have into words.

I just needed you to know that my love for you was real, even if from the outside it may look like I gave up on us too easily. The truth is, I didn’t walk away because I stopped loving you. I walked away because I was hurting so much, and I know you were hurting too. I still love you so much and I will always care about you..

I know you might only remember the version of me from that night when we had our last fight and broke up. I know you hated me that night and maybe still hate me until now. But before that version of me existed, there was a woman who loved you loudly, cared for you so much, and was willing to do anything for you wholeheartedly. I was that woman. I still am that woman. But somewhere along the way, you fell out of love for me. You cared, but the love wasn't there anymore.

You were my best friend, my safe place for a long time, my comfort, and my greatest love so far. My baby. I really believed we would make it through anything. That is why it was so hard for me to accept that love alone was no longer enough to keep us together.

This message is not to make you feel guilty or to blame you for everything. I am also taking responsibility for my own part in how things fell apart. I just needed to finally say out loud the things I have been carrying silently in my heart for so long.

I just want to say this clearly because I never want you to think that you never meant anything to me or that I was never truly grateful for everything you’ve done for me.

No matter what happened between us, I will always honor and appreciate all the goodness you showed me throughout our relationship. You were there for me during some of the hardest moments of my life. The “Do you have food?”, the little grocery shopping, the “Use my card,” helping me when I was struggling financially, getting a car for me, helping with my phone and Wi-Fi, even getting the bill lowered, trying to make life easier for me, and so much more to mention. All those things meant so much more to me than you probably realize.

Remembering those things honestly still makes my eyes teary because in my heart, I truly appreciated every little thing you did for me. I know maybe I failed to express my gratitude in the way you wanted and needed to feel it, but please never think I took you for granted because I didn’t.

I don’t even like it when you spend too much on me. I know how to say "NO" whenever you ask me if I want something because I do care about you, and I know you worked hard for your money. I was always proud of you and your goodness, even if I failed to show it properly sometimes. I am very sorry that I failed to show it the way you wanted to see it. But heaven knows how beyond grateful I am for you.

I also want you to understand why I always talked about paying you back. It was never because I was ungrateful. The truth is, I started feeling emotionally guilty receiving so much help from you while at the same time feeling emotionally hurt, disconnected, and scared to fully express my feelings. I felt like I was carrying emotional debt inside me.

That’s why I kept telling you that when I receive my accident money, I promise I will repay you. Not because I didn’t appreciate your help, but because I never wanted to feel shameless or make you feel like I was using you. I truly, truly appreciated everything you did for me.

I also want to acknowledge my own shortcomings honestly. I know I became distant, emotionally drained, and not the same person you first met. As you have said, I am not fun anymore. I stopped going to bars and doing things like before. Honestly, I only went to bars before because I wanted to show you that I could be in your world too, even if that wasn’t really what I wanted for myself.

I was struggling financially, burned out mentally and emotionally from work, and my mind was constantly flooded with problems. Deep inside, I was always scared that if I showed you how heavy and problematic I felt inside, you would eventually get tired of me. And sadly, it happened.

So instead of opening up fully, I kept everything inside and slowly lost myself in the process. Little did I know that by shutting down emotionally and carrying everything alone, I was already letting you walk away from me. I’m very sorry for everything.

I am also truly sorry for saying things that hurt your feelings. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused you. I’m sorry for the moments when I didn’t realize that my words, actions, or reactions were already hurting you deeply.

Sometimes I was so consumed by my own pain, fears, and emotional struggles that I failed to see how much pain you were carrying too. That was never my intention, and I will always regret the moments where I made you feel unappreciated, unloved, or emotionally wounded because of my actions or words.

I’m sorry. I am really, truly sorry.

I know you also had needs as a man, and I understand that. I’m sorry that I slowly stopped fulfilling my part in our relationship the way you needed. But believe me or not, it was never because I stopped loving you or stopped being attracted to you.

The truth is, I stopped seeing beauty in myself. I became insecure, emotionally exhausted, and disconnected from who I used to be. I was struggling with body dysmorphia, depression, stress, and losing my sense of worth as a woman.

When you said you felt rejected by me, I never meant to make you feel that way because intimacy meant love to me, and I never stopped loving you. I loved being intimate with you because I loved you. But I stopped loving myself, and that’s why the desire for sex left me for some time.

I also appreciate that you never forced me to have sex with you, and I will always acknowledge and respect you for that. But during one of the darkest periods of my life, instead of feeling fully understood emotionally, I felt like the main thing you saw was just rejection. You only understood and you only chose to hear your ego as a man. That hurts.

I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually struggling in ways I didn’t even fully know how to explain at the time. It hurt me deeply that I couldn’t give you the kind of closeness and intimacy you needed for a while, and I carried guilt about that every time you would throw that in my face.

What hurt even more was feeling like instead of trying to fully understand what I was going through emotionally, your love slowly started fading because of what I could not give for a while.

During the time I needed emotional safety, reassurance, understanding, patience, and comfort the most, I felt like I was slowly losing the person I loved instead. But I don’t blame you for that. I just also need you to understand my pain too.

Being with you slowly started to feel like I was loving someone who was slowly turning their back on me emotionally. When you stopped saying “I love you,” when you told me you only saw me as a friend, and when you said maybe we should just break up if I didn’t feel emotionally supported, it broke something inside me.
I was still showing up, still loyal to you, still choosing you, while deep inside I already felt like you were emotionally checking out of the relationship.

It hurt that for three years I never fully felt brought into your world. Yes, you came to my apartment every weekend, but deep inside I still felt hidden from important parts of your life. Sometimes I felt like you coming every weekend became more of an obligation than something you genuinely wanted. It felt like I owed you so much just because you came to see me.

I wanted to feel openly chosen, emotionally safe, and proudly loved. I wanted to feel like your real partner, not someone kept separate from the rest of your world. I wanted to see your apartment, meet your cats, and be known even by your friends, not someone you would take with you in your apartment complex but leave waiting in the car outside.🥺💔

Sometimes I felt like I was good enough to love privately, but not enough to be fully claimed publicly. Over time, that slowly made me feel small, hidden, and emotionally alone.

It also hurt whenever I would see you liking and following other women online while I was already feeling insecure and unseen. It wasn’t just about social media. It was about already feeling emotionally unsafe and wondering if I was ever truly “the one” for you or just someone you cared about but never fully chose.

I also hope one day you can reflect on your own shortcomings in our relationship too, just like I have been reflecting on mine. I know I was not perfect, but there were also many moments where I felt emotionally dismissed, unseen, misunderstood, and alone while trying so hard to love you and hold on to us.

Sometimes your words, your distance, your coldness, and the way you avoided my feelings hurt me more deeply than you realized. I kept trying to explain my pain because I wanted us to understand each other better, not because I wanted to fight with you.

I didn’t need perfection from you. I just needed to feel emotionally safe, chosen, reassured, and loved in a way that didn’t constantly leave me questioning my place in your life.

And honestly, a part of me feels like this breakup may also be a relief for you because deep inside, I’ve been feeling for a long time that you were already emotionally waiting for me to end it.

Sometimes it felt like you were no longer looking at me as your woman, but more like someone you still cared about and felt responsible for because I was struggling, especially financially. That hurt me deeply because even though I know I changed and I acknowledge my own shortcomings, my love for you never faded.

No matter how distant things became between us or how hurt I felt at times, the way I loved you stayed strong. Even during moments when I felt hurt by your words, your coldness, or the way you treated me, I still loved you with the same heart.

I also want you to understand that yes, I was the one who finally ended the relationship, but that does not mean it was easy for me or that it did not break me too. God knows how much it hurts me. Every day not talking to you breaks me. I have been crying everyday ever since that night. Everyday I want to tell you how much I miss and love you. It hurts me that every day I want to send you a message and pull you back, and every day I have to collect myself all over again. Every day I need to remind myself of my worth and dignity, that I don’t need to chase you anymore.

I need to keep believing that whatever is truly meant for me will find me. But please know that I never truly wanted to break up with you. We just needed to.

But hearing things from you like “go find yourself a church boy” or telling me to go talk to Mike hurt me more deeply than you probably realized. I was very loyal to you, and hearing those words made me feel disrespected, misunderstood, and as if my loyalty and love for you were being questioned.

You may have said those things out of anger, frustration, or pain, but those words stayed with me. Because despite everything we were going through, I was still choosing you and trying to hold on to us.

We did not break up because you meant nothing to me. The truth is, I still love you and care about you very, very much. We broke up because I was hurting deeply for a long time too, and loving each other stopped feeling peaceful for both of us.

I also want to make it clear that I’m not sending this message because I’m asking for another chance or trying to force reconciliation between us. Maybe this message is simply my way of giving us the closure we really need to have.

I just needed you to know that despite everything, my love, gratitude, and care for you were always real. And my heart breaks into a million pieces every time I remind myself that this is the end for us because nobody knows but God how much I love you.

I wanted a future with you. I used to imagine life with you. I was even secretly wishing before that I could sleep at night and wake up every morning with you every single day, not just on weekends.

But all those wishes and dreams slowly started to vanish when I started accepting that you will never be fully mine. I will never be acknowledged as your “partner.” Sad, but true, and I had to accept it.

But no matter where life takes us after this, I will never forget you because you occupied such a huge part of my heart and my life for years. You became part of my story in a way that I know I will always carry with me.
I will always be grateful for the good memories we shared, for the times you were there when I needed help, and for the ways you tried in the beginning. Those moments were real to me, and they meant a lot.

And don’t worry, after Missy’s appointment, I’ll stop bothering you. I know deep down you probably don’t even want to do this with me anymore, and maybe you’re only helping because you feel obligated to. I’m sorry for putting you in that position. I never wanted to become someone that feels heavy to you. I just loved you deeply, and letting go has been harder than I can explain. I’m sorry for all of this.

Despite all the pain between us, I will still pray for you sincerely, and I truly wish you nothing but peace, healing, happiness, and the best in life. I will just gonna love you from afar cos i know thats the least and safest way I can do for myself.

Despite everything that happened to us, I still see you as a great person. I still admire you as the mechanic with good hands that I will always be proud of. I will always be praying for your success, happiness, and safety.

And if someday you meet someone who can give you the kind of love you truly wanted, the kind of love you maybe never fully saw in me while we were together, as long as she genuinely makes your heart happy, I will support you from a distance and sincerely wish nothing but the best for you.

And if one day you ever need me, a big part of me will still care.

Love Always,
A🤍