u/Cold_Ad8048

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We’re Chinese so technically we have two birthdays, lunar and solar. My husband usually celebrates his solar birthday, not the lunar one. But yesterday he suddenly asked me about his lunar birthday, and when I didn’t remember it, he got really upset. Like… upset the whole day.

I tried to lighten the mood, joked around, told him I’d remember it going forward, but nothing worked. He stayed angry and started saying some pretty hurtful things.

What makes this harder is the history behind it. For the past 3 years of our marriage, I’ve always made an effort for his birthday, cake, gifts, little surprises. Meanwhile, for my birthdays… there’s basically been nothing. I haven’t had a birthday cake in 3 years. Most of the time, if I got a gift, it was because he asked me what I wanted. One year I even said I’d love a handwritten letter, and it never happened.

So in my mind, forgetting a lunar birthday (that he doesn’t even celebrate) didn’t feel like something worth getting that upset over, especially given how much effort I’ve put into his birthdays.

But during the argument he said things like:
“Why do you keep bringing up birthday cake? It’s just a cake, it’s cheap.”
and
“You only remember my solar birthday because it happens to be the same as your nephew’s. You don’t actually care about me or remember anything about me.”

That really hurt. Because from my perspective, I’ve been the one putting in more effort in this relationship, especially when it comes to these kinds of things.

Now I’m just sitting here feeling kind of sad and confused. How would you handle something like this?