I (23M) have been in a 5-year relationship with my girlfriend (23F), and recently things have started to feel off. I’m struggling to figure out how to handle the situation in a healthy and fair way.
Over the last few months, she started working (I’ve been working full-time for about a year), and she says she’s grown, matured, and become more extroverted. She’s made new friends at work, which I was initially completely okay with.
The issue developed around one specific male coworker.
Over time:
* They started talking daily
* They see each other before work, during work, and sometimes after work
* They regularly get coffee/lunch together
* She has suggested doing additional activities like jogging together
I brought this up calmly, and she said I’m being jealous and that she just wants friends and independence.
However, what’s really been affecting me is the honesty:
* She has downplayed how often they see each other (e.g., saying once a week when it’s clearly more frequent)
* I’ve noticed inconsistencies between what she tells me and what actually happens
* She has become more secretive with her phone, which wasn’t the case before
* When I ask normal questions, she sometimes becomes defensive or vague
* In group situations where he was present, she has not mentioned him at all, even though she usually tells me who was there
We’ve had multiple conversations about this. I’ve tried to communicate that I’m not against her having friends, but I do value honesty, transparency, and reasonable boundaries in a relationship.
Her position is that she has grown as a person, wants more independence, and feels I am being insecure.
At this point, I feel conflicted. I don’t want to be controlling or unfair, but I also feel like trust is being damaged by repeated dishonesty and lack of openness.
**What I need advice on:**
* How should I approach rebuilding trust when I feel like I’m getting inconsistent or incomplete information?
* What kind of boundaries are reasonable to expect in a long-term relationship in this situation?
* How do I communicate my concerns without it coming across as controlling or insecure?
* At what point should I consider whether our expectations for the relationship are no longer aligned?
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**TL;DR:**
I (23M) am in a 5-year relationship with my girlfriend (23F). She’s become close with a male coworker and spends a lot of time with him. More concerning to me is that she has been inconsistent and not fully honest about how often they see each other, and has become more secretive. She says I’m being insecure and that she just wants independence. I’m trying to figure out how to handle the trust issues and what to do next.