Heated Rivalry has me messed up about my identity
Trigger warning before you read, some mention of self hate and internal struggle
I am sorry if this is all over the place, and if I am not saying something’s right. and I know the simple answer is therapy, but I think I just need to type it out and put it out there to others who would understand how I feel
So I thought I knew mostly what I identified as, and I know it’s okay to change or experiment. But this show has me messed up and I don’t know now and it just is sending me down a spiral.
Soo I am 24, afab nonbinary (they/them) and queer, aligning a lot with being a lesbian especially since my friends and my girlfriend are all lesbians. And I used to identify solely as a lesbian. I have always thought of myself as a masculine girl and a feminine boy gender wise.
I don’t dress or look as masculine as much as I’d like but I have been comfortable enough with how I look because I do live in a conservative area, so I pass as a “girl”. And I know my anxiety would kill me if I looked how I wanted to because of where I live.
I know a lot of people feel similarly about heated rivalry. I just want to look like them and be them. I want to look like them so bad that it makes me hate myself more and more. It makes me wish I was a gay man. But I am in a relationship with my partner which we’ve communicated that she is a lesbian and is not attracted to men. And I love her so much and I am so attracted to her. But so much of me thinks what if I am a man and she wouldn’t want to be with me. I feel like I never really had the signs of being transmasc growing up. But deep down I feel like I am supposed to be something else. Even though I love women, the show and my head makes me think I am a gay man. I am just so lost and I know everything is a spectrum but I am at war in my own head and I can’t get out. I don’t know what I am doing and I feel like I am not being a good enough partner as I could be because I am having these internal issues. I have never even been with anyone but her so I feel like how would I even know if I do actually feel that way towards men. I don’t know I really don’t. I was on testosterone for a few months years ago but I long fell off of it because I feel such pressure to fit in where I live. And I could go on without it so I felt like I didn’t need it enough. I also feel like I can’t change my name. If someone I love and know would respect my decision to change my name or pronouns it makes my anxiety sore. Like imagining someone calling me a name I picked out, it feels impossible and like I couldn’t have someone do that FOR me. I’m sorry again I just need to let this out and I know finding a therapist could help me but it is going to be really hard to find where I live.