u/Cofeemate

​

\*\*Sorry long post...

Wala akong (M 31) mapag share-ran dahil ayokong masira image ng Misis (F 30) ko sa circle namin. Kaya Dito ko nalang ishe-share.

11 years kami mag BF/GF ni misis bago kami ikinasal, may 1 narin kaming anak, 6 years old. 2 months palang din kaming kasal.

Nung nabuntis si misis, hindi na kami naging intimate sa isat Isa. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong reason, pero basta nalang nawala. Kinakausap ko rin sya if may problema ba sya or may ayaw ba sya na ginagawa ko, Hindi ba sya na sasatisfy kapag ginagawa namin yung did mga ganong bgay. Pero Sabi nya, Wala naman daw problema, pagod lang daw sya.

Sa loob ng 6 years, lagi syang pagod. So ang ginawa ko since WFH ako, ako gumagawa ng chores sa bahay, nag lilinis ng bahay, nag luluto ng hapunan, nag aalaga sa anak namin, para pag dating nya sa bahay, kakain nalang sya at magpapahinga. Pero, Wala parin. Minsan nga Wala kaming sex straight 2 months, like wtf is happening.

Ginawa ko lahat, as in lahat. Made surprises kahit walang okasyon, dinadalhan sya ng food sa work nya, simple kain sa labas, binibigay cravings nya, pinapa deliviran sya ng food sa work with matching sticky note na ayoko nagugutom sya at mahal ko sya. Binibili Yung mga bagay na ayaw nya bilhin kasi mahal, mga bagay na ganon para maramdaman nya na special sya. Pero parang wala parin nangyayare?? Ganon Yung nararamdaman ko.

Sa loob ng 6 years na yon, lagi akong kinukutuban na baka may iba na misis ko, Kasi taena, sino ba namang makakatagal ng ganon na walang s\*x diba? Wala din naman akong nakikita or napapansin na ginagawa nya bukod sa lagi syang nag se-cellphone kapag nasa bahay, to the point na sinasabi na nang anak namin na lagi nalang sya puro cellphone, Ganon na kalala. Habang tulog sya, tinry ko iopen phone nya, like messenger, IG, at kung ano ano pang app, Wala naman akong nakita. So, naging kampante na ako na Wala siguro at baka totoo lang sinasabi nya na "Yun na Kasi ang pahinga ko, kapag nag po-phone ako".. so never ko na ulit chineck phone nya mga ilang years din na hindi, since wala naman akong napapansin at nakita before.

Not until last week, Sunday yon. dahil nilalamon ako ng depression, sobra sobra yung pag binged scroll ko sa social media ng mga short reels. Nalowbat phone ko kaya ginamit ko yung phone ni misis para mag scroll. Tingin tingin lang ng mga random post sa FB. Tapos bigla parang may pumitik sa utak ko na I check search history nya, tapos Nakita Kong sine-search nya yung account ng best friend ko dati na naka-s\*x nya habang cool off kami. Ang labo man pakinggan pero gumuho mundo ko, parang lahat ng trauma at pag overthink ko before bumalik lahat nung gabing yon.

Kinabukasan (Monday), kinakausap nya ko pero di ko sya kinikibo. Sabi ko wag nalang muna kami mag usap kasi ayokong makapag salita ng bagay na pagsisisihan ko sa huli. Pero pinipilit nya ko magsabi kung ano daw yung problema, so Sabi ko, "Sige kung Yan gusto mo, kuhanin mo phone mo" kinuha nya, "alam mo na mali mo diba?" Binuksan ko FB nya at search history, nawala na yung pangalan nung sinearch nya, so dinelete nya na. Kaya sabi ko, "di ko na kailangan mag salita, kasi alam mo na yon, binura mo nanga eh." Bigla sya natulala, tapos sabi ko, "Bakit? May kulang paba saakin? Nag sisisi kaba na ako pinakasalan mo? So totoo nga Yung sinabi mo 6 years ago habang nagtatalo tayo na sana Pala sya nalang pinili mo dahil Wala akong kwentang tao?" Yumakap sya, umiiyak. Nag sosorry.. Wala daw meaning yon. "Paanong walang meaning? Eh ang Dami mong efforts na ginawa para lang i-stalk sya, inunblock mo, tinype mo buong pangalan, iniscroll mo account nya, paano Wala lang yon? Ano ko pinanganak kahapon? Hindi naman ako t\*n\*a eh, sinasabi mo nga matalino ako tapos gagawin mo Kong b\*b\*." Umiiyak lang sya, nakayakap, sorry ng sorry at paulit ulit sinasasabi na Wala lang yon. Dinagdag ko na, "Kung nagsisisi kana dahil kasal na Tayo, at Hindi kana Masaya sa relasyon natin, tapusin nalang natin to siguro, mag hiwalay nalang siguro tayo, nakakapagod narin kasi eh. Hindi naman ako nag kulang diba? Ginagawa ko naman lahat diba? Pero ito igaganti mo sakin?" Nag sosorry lang sya.. umiiyak, yumayakap.

Tuesday, di ko parin sya kinakausap, lagi sya yumayakap, umiiyak, nag sosorry. Nag effort bigla, nagluluto ng pang lunch ko na Hindi na nya ginagawa tulad ng dati. May note pang Kasama na nahingi ng sorry. Isang linggo na nya ginagawa, pati kanina, nagluto din sya ng Sinigang. Nakakapanibago, dahil lagi na nya ako ulit niyayakap. Sa loob ng Isang linggo na to, parang nahigitan na nya yung yakap na ginawa nya for 6 years.

Lumambot ako, Wednesday palang. Sinundo ko na sya sa trabaho. Di parin ako naimik, nakasakay sya sa motor namin, sa likod ko, tinatry nya humiga sa likod ko, pero iniiwas ko, para Kong t\*nga diba?

Thursday, kanina lang, iniibo ko na sya. Kinakausap na. Parang normal nalang? Parang lumipas na? pero ang bigat parin ng dibdib ko, p\*napat\*y parin ako ng sarilinf isip ko. Na parang bakalimutan ko na Yung salitang respeto para sa Sarili ko.

Tama lang ba to? Okay lang ba na palipasin nalang to? Kalimutan nalang? Naguguluhan na Kasi ako eh.

Problem/Goal:

\*\*Sorry for the long post...

I don't have a (M 31) to share because I don't want to ruin my wife's (F 30) image in our circle. So I'll just share it here.

: My wife and I were BF/GF for 11 years before we got married, we also have 1 child, 6 years old. We've only been married for 2 months.

When my wife got pregnant, we weren't intimate with each other anymore. I don't know the reason, but it just disappeared. I also talked to her to see if she had a problem or if there was something she didn't like that I was doing, wouldn't she be satisfied when we did things like that. But she said, there's no problem, she's just tired.

For 6 years, she was always tired. So what I did since I was WFH, I did chores at home, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, took care of our daughter, so that when she got home, she could just eat and rest. But, still nothing. Sometimes we didn't have sex straight for 2 months, like wtf is happening.

I did everything, as in everything. Made surprises even when there was no occasion, brought her food to her work, simple food out, gave her cravings, had food delivered to her at work with matching sticky notes that I didn't want her to go hungry and that I loved her. Bought her things she didn't want to buy because they were expensive, things like that to make her feel special. But it still doesn't seem to be happening?? That's how I feel.

For those 6 years, I've always been worried that my wife might have another man, because after all, who can last that long without sex, right? I don't see or notice anything she does besides always using her cellphone when she's at home, to the point that our son says she's always on her cellphone, that's how bad it is. While she's sleeping, I try to open her phone, like messenger, IG, and any other app, I don't see anything. So, I've become complacent that maybe she doesn't and maybe she's really saying "That's my break, when I'm on the phone".. so I never checked her phone again for a few years, since I didn't notice or see anything before.

Not until last week, that was Sunday. because I was consumed by depression, I binge-scrolled through social media for short reels. My phone was broken so I used my wife's phone to scroll. Just looking at random posts on FB. Then suddenly something clicked in my brain and I checked her search history, then I saw her searching for the account of my best friend who used to have sex while we were cooling off. It may sound vague but my world collapsed, like all the trauma and overthinking I had before that night all came back.

The next day (Monday), she talked to me but I didn't move. I said let's not talk for now because I don't want to say something I'll regret later. But she kept trying to tell me what the problem was, so I said, "Okay, if that's what you want, take your phone" she took it, "you know you're wrong, right?" I opened her FB and search history, the name she searched was gone, so she deleted it. So I said, "I don't need to say anything, because you already know that, you deleted it." Suddenly she was stunned, then I said, "Why? Is there something missing from me? Are you regretting marrying me? So it's true what you said 6 years ago while we were arguing that you should have chosen her because I'm no good?" She hugged me, crying. She said she was sorry.. She said it didn't mean anything. "How can it mean nothing? The amount of effort you put in just to stalk her, you unblocked her, you blackmailed her whole name, you scrolled through her account, how come it doesn't mean anything? What did I give birth to yesterday? I'm not a t\*n\*a, you say I'm smart and then you're going to make me a b\*b\*." She just cried, hugging me, sorry so much and repeatedly saying that it doesn't mean anything. I added, "If you're regretting it because we're married, and you're not happy with our relationship, maybe we should just end it, maybe we should just separate, it's tiring. I didn't do anything wrong, right? I do everything, right? But you're going to repay me for this?" She just apologized.. crying, hugging.

Tuesday, I still didn't talk to her, she always hugged, cried, apologized. She suddenly made an effort, cooked my lunch which she doesn't do like before. There was also a note from her friend asking for forgiveness. She's been doing it for a week, even earlier, she also cooked Sinigang. It's strange, because she's always hugging me again. In this past week, it seems like she's surpassed the hugs she gave for 6 years.

I softened up, it's only Wednesday. I picked her up from work. I still haven't said anything, he's riding our motorcycle, behind me, he's trying to lie down behind me, but I'm avoiding him, like he's a t\*nga, right?

Thursday, just a while ago, I've been flirting with him. We've been talking. It seems normal? It seems like it's over? but my chest is still heavy, I'm still obsessed with myself. As if I'm going to forget the word respect for myself.

Is this right? Is it okay to just let this go? Just forget it? Because I'm confused.