Hi everyone, I’m a 26F and my boyfriend is 23M. I’m really confused about what’s happening in my relationship and I’d appreciate some outside perspective.
At the beginning, I had a really high libido and genuinely enjoyed being intimate with him, including giving oral. The issue was that it wasn’t reciprocated. He told me he didn’t like going down on me because of his gastric reflux and said it would trigger it, so I tried to be understanding. But this went on for months (March to around September/November), and over time I started to feel rejected and kind of unattractive, like maybe he just didn’t want me that way.
Eventually, I lost the desire to do oral altogether. It wasn’t something I consciously decided, I just stopped feeling like it. (I have to mention that I USED TO LOVE GIVING BJ's SO MUCH) Later, I told him honestly how I felt. After that, he did start going down on me, but by then I didn’t want it anymore. It feels weird to say, but it’s like I waited too long and the feeling just disappeared. Even when he tries now, I don’t enjoy it, not because of how he does it, but because something in me shut off.
On top of that, our relationship has been really rocky. We argue a lot (every couple of days), and he’s very insecure and jealous to the point where it feels overwhelming. He often thinks I’m cheating or hiding something, which isn’t true, and sometimes goes through my phone or accuses me of things that don’t make sense. Honestly, I’ve started to feel more relaxed when he’s not around, which I know isn’t a great sign.
Also, I’ve noticed that whenever we have a really heavy fight, my libido drops completely. I don’t feel like having sex at all in those moments. I don’t know if that’s been a big factor in why my overall desire has gone down, but it probably plays a role.
There were also some trust issues. One time, right after a really bad fight where we basically “broke up,” I saw him texting another girl not even 30 minutes later. I also noticed him reacting to other girls on Instagram before (that has apparently stopped now), but I don’t know if those things kind of changed how I feel about him on a deeper level.
As for intimacy now, it’s inconsistent. Sometimes I actually enjoy being intimate with him, but most days I don’t feel like doing certain things. Specifically, when it comes to oral, there are rare days where I do feel like it and enjoy it, but most of the time I don’t. I’ve turned him down multiple times (probably around 7–8 times), and other times I’ve gone along with it even when I didn’t really want to, just because I didn’t want him to feel rejected the way I once did.
I used to be on fluoxetine, which lowered my libido, but I’m not taking it anymore and things didn’t really go back to how they were. I also have a thyroid condition, but I’m not sure how much that’s affecting things since I still have some desire.
I tried explaining to him that I think my loss of desire (especially for oral) is tied to feeling rejected for so long, plus everything else that’s happened. But now he feels rejected himself and is saying that if I don’t desire him, we should break up. That feels extreme to me, I feel like this could maybe be worked through, but maybe he’s just hurt.
I guess my questions are:
- Has anyone experienced losing desire like this after feeling rejected or after repeated fights?
- Can desire come back after this kind of buildup, or once it’s gone, it’s gone?
- And does this sound fixable, or are we just incompatible at this point?
I’m also confused because I lost the desire to give him oral, but not completely the desire to be intimate in general, and I don’t understand why it’s not all or nothing.
I’m really torn and don’t know if I’m overthinking this or ignoring bigger issues.
TL;DR: I used to have a high libido and enjoyed giving oral, but after months of it not being reciprocated, plus constant fights, jealousy, and some trust issues, I lost the desire—especially for oral. Now even though he’s trying, I don’t want it anymore. I still sometimes enjoy sex, but my desire is inconsistent. He feels rejected now and is considering breaking up. I’m wondering if this can be fixed or if we’re just incompatible.