u/CoconutDragon

I originally posted this in r/BDSMAdvice but took it down out of worry my husband would see it. A month has passed so I am hoping he won't run into it as easily now.

Some background: My husband (M33) and I (F28) have been together for 6 years. We have a sort of on and off kink relationship. He isn't very experienced with kink whereas I am. I have tried to explain consent, boundaries, dynamics etc to him and I thought he understood. We have also both done thorough research into the topic including reading literature etc. So I thought he understood. I also do have a bit of a history with being sexually mistreated (I can elaborate if needed but basically not legally/morally clear but enough to make me anxious and have traumatic responses around sex).

He recently got a vasectomy - I didn't ask him to, he just decided he wanted to because I recently had an abortion and we both don't want kids. I also have a congenital heart condition that puts me at a higher risk than the average woman during pregnancy. I am not on birth control right now because I have tried many and they always alter my libido and mood, and I have heard horror stories about the IUD. So we have just been doing sometimes condoms and sometimes pull-out until this vasectomy is cleared by doctors (after which we agreed he can cum in me). And yes, I know the pull-out isn't fully safe, and I fully accept that risk. Well, he still hasn't been cleared by the doctors that the vasectomy worked, so I didn't feel fully safe with him finishing inside of me. Until he gets cleared by the doctors, I told him OUTSIDE of sex, that I DO NOT want him to finish inside of me. Yes, I have a breeding kink and our relationship is overall kinky, but I made this boundary outside of sex and I told him VERY clearly - If I say to cum inside me during sex, DO NOT DO IT, because I am just playing the scene.

So, we were having sex and I said I was uncomfortable a few times, but I didn't use the safeword because I was genuinely OK with continuing. But I think the context matters, to show that I was already feeling a little "off." Then, during sex, I said two or three times, specifically, that I DO NOT want him to finish inside me. I said, "You shouldn't finish inside me, the vasectomy hasn't been cleared yet, I don't want another abortion." Then, right before finishing, he said, "Do you want me to cum inside you?" and I kind of made a noise, like a squeak, not an actual answer, because honestly I was sort of confused if this was part of the scene or not. I assumed he was just playing the scene, and that he wouldn't cum inside, because I told him just before multiple times not to, and then also outside of sex, I made the boundary not to. So I did not use the safeword, because of the confusion, but I did not give actual consent either, I just made that noise. Then he finished inside me. I immediately started crying, and he apologized profusely and started shaking and calling himself a terrible person etc.

I also wanted to add that this is the second time he has finished inside me without my full consent. The first time was a few months ago. The details are hazy, but I believe I told him outside of sex to not finish in me even if I reply to him that I want him to finish inside. Anyway, he still came inside me regardless and I thought he genuinely thought he was playing the kink scene and made a heat in the moment mistake combined. And maybe I didnt express it clearly enough outside of sex. Well I tried to forget about this situation, because maybe it really was a mistake so I didnt make a big deal of it even though I felt assaulted. So after that happened, I made sure this time that I explain VERY clearly that I dont want him to finish inside me during! Not until AFTER the vasectomy is cleared.

So now he did it a second time and I feel way more violated and almost like maybe he is ignoring my boundaries. I feel really gross and I don't know if he is not fully respecting me as his wife, or genuinely made a mistake. I WANT to believe he made a mistake, but I was so clear I thought, and this is the second time! I don't want to upend our lives over this, but I lost a lot of trust in him. I don't know how to move forward, if I should just wait for a third strike from him or what. I just feel so lost and confused because he is a really sweet guy and for him to act like this in conjunction - I just don't know how to view him after this.

Tl;dr husband/dom came inside me without my full consent during sex, after I made the boundary not to outside of sex, and asked him multiple times during sex not to.

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I also want to add some context that wasn't in my original post, as well as some updates since this happened a month ago.

-His grandma was expected to pass away really soon during this experience (they were really close too), and she did end up passing away a few hours later. This did make for a weird experience juggling both things, but I did still hold him and comfort him and try to be there for him.

-We both got individual therapists and are seeing them every week. He has seemed to improve a lot in other difficult parts of the relationship (executive dysfunction due to him having ADHD).

-He admits what he did was wrong and says he will never do it again. That this experience made him realize he took me for granted. He has been asking for consent and checking in with me on everything sexual. We have been somewhat sexually active but I feel like my heart isnt as much in it as it was before. Having a hard time doing POV sex, although we have once or twice.

-I told my mom about it one evening when I was really close to breaking up with him just to get another perspective and see if she would be able to help me figure out how to navigate a breakup from here. It is extra hard because we live in a foreign country but my parents did recently move here as well so at least I have them. She said that men have a hard time controling themselves during sex, especially with pull-out (I know this but he didnt make an effort to try at all, it wasnt an accident). And that they sometimes take out their unhappiness in inappropriate ways especially during sex. That I should be grateful because he is a great guy that loves me and that I ask too much of him. He spoils me a lot, takes care of me and goes above and beyond to make sure I am happy. To her this was a small mistake and that I shouldnt throw away a good guy for something like this.

-I have diagnosed OCD and anxiety, I overthink things a LOT and of course I am still ruminating on all of this. It's just that I was planning on building our life together, buying a house soon, just going forward together in our lives and I dont know if I do ignore this, it will come up again or even if it doesnt, if it will erode the relationship over time especially since I still feel "off" and frustrated and sad. I have a hard time forming connections with people; he is the only person (including friends) I have ever met that has the same opinions/wants in life as me. He genuinely has never hurt me in any way emotionally/physically ever in our relationship aside from this incident.

-I will say that we did have some other issues, like his executive dysfunction, which was driving me crazy for a long time. He also seemed very passive and just sort of "checked out." I am a very ambitious person that is always trying to improve myself and honestly it felt like he was ok just staying as is, not paying much attention to hygiene, letting himself go, eating unhealthy, not looking for a new job even though he doesnt like the one he has, ignoring my requests in the bedroom, etc. We decided (based on his therapist) that he was likely depressed due to the executive dysfunction. He does seem to be feeling better now. But of course now I feel like crap in general because I dont feel recovered from this experience.

-I also want to note that I do and always have checked in with him regularly to see if he is happy, if he wants me to work on/change anything, if the current chore load is fair/working for him, etc. I am definitely not perfect and have my own issues. But I have made an effort to improve my problems and I think I have. He never says he is unhappy or wants anything to change but it has been confusing because then he wouldnt follow through on tasks and seem unmotivated. But since he has gotten therapy this seemed to flip - as in he seems happy and is doing a ton of chores and actually I feel useless and unmotivated now :/