Everything is different now
All the days I stayed for something better all the struggles I had to overcome just to stay here.it's all useless. I thought if I just put in the effort I'd finally be better by now. I thought my life could change if I just hold on a little longer but what if it's not "just a little longer" anymore. What if it's just too late for me what if the choice I made to stay alive a little longer was just that. Just a choice to prolong my suffering and change nothing about the end of my story. Always holding on to that last smidge of hope that is almost invisible. They say if you don't find meaning create it or something like that but I'm tired too tired to think about all this again too tired to keep going. just for once I want for everything to stop. I want to give up completely and utterly. I want the knowledge that I won't have to suffer much longer to make me realize how good things could be if I just leave soon. It's like they all know it but are afraid to say, they know that I can't be helped that they don't even know why they're still trying to help me. It's because they love me I guess but in the end even that is pointless if I just destroy it all over said. They can't do it anymore if I don't stop being the way I am sabotaging every time I can feel something change.Everyone always tries to help and all I do is cry to them and beg them to save me when I already know I can't be saved anymore. It's so selfish holding on giving them hope I might change someday when deep down I know what I am. I know how I am and I know that this feeling is going to kill me sooner or later. This feeling is just too much to bear for a person like me. Something is just different now and it will never be the same again. So what's the point if I can't wake up to your snoring next to me or feel the way you used to care all over me. feel the way I did back then when I thought things are finally getting better. But that's all I ever exist for to hope for something to come that never will. To dream of loving and being loved just for me to realise I was meant to be alone. Everything is different now the way I think the way I talk the way I look even us. We're so diffrent now so distant. I really truly thought that you'd stay by my side and somehow change me but thats impossible it's to much to ask of you so ofc you're tired of me now.For once I hoped for something to be eternal but happiness never is only sadness. Now when I see you sometimes I look around and see the way I used to. I hope. I hold on. Just to go back home again and be so alone. I don't want to hold on just to keep realizing more and more that I can't get out of this hell. Why can't something for once just be easy for me? Why do I have to keep pushing and screaming and hurting everyone around me just to be here what purpose do I really have If in the end when their with me they feel uneasy cause of how much I make them sick. Why should I stay if things will only get worse from here on. It's all they ever say that it's going to be hard to become happy. And I know it is. But I'm not strong enough anymore to even try anything different at all. All I can do is stay here and stay exactly how I am. It's so pathetic and selfish. If I was gone then at least they could move on from me one day.