Mourning
How am I supposed to mourn someone I shouldnt?
Back story. I met someone when I was 9, yes 9. I told my mom I was going to marry this person one day. When I was 15 we became good friends and one day it became more than just a friendship. We started dating until I was 18 and he shattered my heart after confessing his love for me. We went our separate ways and he eventually got married and I had a child and we reconnected again after his divorce...I was 21... We lasted for about a year and we went our separate ways again. Fast forward to 2011 we reconnected again as friends and he didnt want me to get married... my partner and max absolutely HATED each other. So we went our separate ways again....until two years ago I bumped into him and his wife.....we talked every day...it started as a friendship but with our past it was very very hard not to develop feelings for each other....I dont know if it was just familiarity for him but for me it wasnt...a part of me always loved him. In January I had a call while I was at work that max committed suicide, I was devastated. I started hyperventilating and crying while at work....to the point of where they had to get my husband to come and get me. My husband looked at me and asked me what was wrong and all I could get out was max is dead. My husband said oh I thought it was something important. My heart aches, I cry while in the shower. I dont have anyone close to talk to about this. I feel like a piece of me has been snatched away and I dont know what to do or how I should feel. We always seemed to have some kind of a connection or something that gravitated us back to each other...its hard to explain....I even could feel if he was in the same building as me and the night he passed away the plane flew over and I said to my husband I have this really bad feeling I know who's on the plane and theres no saving them. I know people are going to judge the fact that we were both married....I get that what I did was wrong. I have no idea how I should mourn max. I loved him and apart of me always will. I couldn't go to his wake...I can't cry infront of my family when I think of him....I have no one