Ndad bday gift dilemma
Just having some thoughts about this and looking for a space to throw it into, so I'll throw it here. Feel free to comment however you'd like or not, again just need to kind of get this out of my head somehow.
This is the 4th year of going no contact with my narcissist dad. It took a long time and serious debating whether or not this was going to be more beneficial for my mental health/growth, and I would argue yes it has been.
For the most part it's been pretty easy keeping a clean break, which also leaves a space of uncertainty. Is he really that ok with it, or is he fuming, plotting, a way he can get me back into his life ? The only reason why I can't shake that feeling is because of gifts. He still sends me gifts somehow, someway. Not often, just enough to keep the carrot dangling.
I'm trying to not get too deep into the lore here, cause I'll just lose the plot, but mainly communication is kept alive by using my brother who he still has a relationship with my ndad. I still talk to my brother too, and he's very good at keeping it neutral and not trying to meddle or keep peace. He doesn't tell my ndad things about me like where I live or where I work, and with permission, he's asked if it was ok to give ndad my electronic communications like email/phone, which I was ok with (cause I can block or ignore).
And so for the past few years cards with cash were given to my brother who gave them to me for my birthday. Again, don't really want it, would rather just close the door and go estranged really. I feel like the money is a tool to try and keep me bonded somehow. Can't explain really, but cash is whatever I usually would just like to get nails or something done and tip generously or buy from Poshmark or give it to other people. Moral money laundering you could say lol
Now I have to cut in with a quick little part last year where ndad mother (who could arguably be some kind or narcissist herself) sent me a Christmas card ( through my brother) with a check. She wrote some things I didn't like in the card, so I just threw away the check. If I cashed it, then it would just be proof of me being greedy and them being hurt by my not responding (because I was not responding to that). It just felt like a plot device for their narrative essentially.
And circle back to my birthday which was last week. Literally driving home from work the other night thinking wow finally, no more ndad gifts! I saw my brother recently and would have had to have gotten something then, but nope, no card from him. I wake up this morning- an email from ndad for an e gift card with a large dollar amount, with a kind of matter of fact message tacked to it. Not only am I disappointed, now I'm paranoid! Did he send an e gift card to track to see if I'll use it/spend it and not reply? He's sent me emails I've ignored. And this paranoia doesn't come from nowhere, literally comes from growing up with him. A two for one special. Actually a lot for one special, there's more than just the two flavors of emotion that came along with dealing with that today, cause now I get to go down fun memory lane of him stalking me as a kid.
The silence would have been better. Maybe next year!