Ended a Relationship. I’m severely depressed.
Assalamualikum. So recently I ended a short relationship because after istakhara for many nights, and so much prayer and duas I felt it was right in my heart. There were a lot of other signs too and in the moment I felt it was right, and fair to this woman that I did this.
Now this was a haram relationship but this woman wanted to make it halal so bad, she was also willing to give me space and time until I needed to make it halal, and we weren’t good Muslims at all, were intimate and stuff before marriage but she didn’t really know any better growing up in a household where she didn’t have the best Islamic influence. She’s Sunni but her family was ahmadi(no offense to them) and in general she just wasn’t too connected to her faith. Don’t want to expose my sins any further, but in general I felt we weren’t good for our dean either. Mostly my fault. But around the time for our separation she said she would do absolutely anything, fix her dean, change her ways, wait as long as I needed to marry her. All she wanted to do was at least one day marry me. But I said no because in my heart after istakhara I felt that it was right. This woman was perfect, obviously had flaws and sins of her own but was willing to get better, and grow as a person/muslim with me. But my heart was not there and I didn’t want it gamble what we’d be like in the future. I just realized in the present she was a woman who was willing to do everything for me and I was unsure if I wanted to be in a relationship with her, and that’s not fair to her so I ended things not wanting to lead her on further.
Now I’ve been praying and done duas and istakhara again and I feel this deep regret in my heart. Maybe I should’ve waited, been patient with her, and given her time to become a better person. Till the end we loved each other, and I cared for her so deeply. I felt like me caring is why I ended the relationship but now I don’t know. Even though I wasn’t ready, one day I will be and I’m sad I lost her. I don’t think anyone will love me like this woman has. Even though those moments were technically haram they could’ve been halal but I just wasn’t ready. What should I do? Because I thought the answer was clear after istakhara, and me making the decision to end our relationship even though she was begging me not too. Now days have gone by and I don’t know how to feel. I feel like I messed up, bad. I’m so sad, I’m just crying constantly, and I hurt this woman deeply. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I need all the advice I can get. Please.