My college graduation was today and I have so many mixed feelings
Awhile ago I got on here a few hours before my birthday because my Nmom admitted that she committed fraud with my social security under the guise of “pure intentions” and “the lord leading her”.
I’m just returning home from my graduation and I feel so strange. I did a lot of protecting myself, my energy, my peace. They’ve been so negligent over these 4 years and my life as a whole. I’ve been homeless and struggling with food insecurity. Doing school full-time, working multiple jobs. I’d only gone to college because it was a requirement from my mother and her husband. I wouldn’t have gone had I known I’d have to advocate for basic necessities. But I had been paying their bills when I left home, so I should’ve known I guess.
I think I just need a place to expel some of the details weighing from today:
- the biggest one is when giving me my “birthday gifts”. Two suits and some used slide-on shoes, among other things I haven’t looked at. But most importantly, when giving me my gift my mother took back what looked like three cards saying “I’m going to keep these and cashapp you”. She did this while asking if I was good on gas, (I wasn’t, and am still not). Luckily my aunts gave me some money as a gift. I’m more than grateful for that but mom taking the cards back was irritating in hindsight.
- This one hit me like a train. I’m was not the focal point of my own graduation meal. They all were puffing their chests out and practically comparing peen sizes. Trying to prove and kick knowledge during the minimal amount of time I gave them. Some people I didn’t even invite myself for this reason.
- a few days ago, my enabler stepdad, who’s blamed me for his troubled marriage, essentially tried to say if I don’t show up to church for Mother’s Day tomorrow, he’ll be paying for it in his marriage. I’m not going to that church service, but I will see my mother in-person if necessary but I don’t want to.
- I think I’m still riding the graduation high. I’m feeling so many mixed emotions. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have been around any of these people. Maybe one or two. The fact I still seen and noticed the discomfort I felt even with rose colored glasses on says a lot.
- my nfather’s family all tried to advocate for me to call him. I didn’t invite him to the graduation as I’d be breaking no contact. He blew up my phone likely upset about it. His siblings are all saying “he’s your father, and yes he’s awful, but you only get one.” I said I’d try but I don’t think I’m willing. We just don’t value the same things and there’s been nothing but hurt, abuse, financial fraud and thievery.
TLDR: I feel so strange. I don’t want to feel heartless for not giving people who treat me like a dog and only have the appearance of caring once I figured life out on my own in spite of their harm. I don’t quite feel guilty or like I’ve made a mistake. I don’t trust them. I don’t value that unity over mutual respect. If they “have their ways” then I guess distance and silence are mine.