I keep seeking random hookups and it's ruining my life.
So I've suffered from a really intense breakup, and in order to fill the void that she's left in me I've been sexting women online and then meeting up with them for a quick hookup. I want it just to be for a couple of weeks until I could get back on my feet, but I can't bring myself to stop because being inside someone and holding them close feels so great and makes me happier than any feeling in the world while also making me feel dirty. I also feel an unhealthy sense of pride when I'm a girl's first time because I feel like I'm ruining her for other men, it's disgusting and misogynistic I know but I cannot help myself.
It's even worse now, because one girl has ended up developing serious feelings for me and was under the impression what we had was one on one, and when she learned I was doing this with other women she broke down crying threatening to kill herself. She hit me a couple of times, and I let her because I deserve it, but even after everything that's happened I don't know if I can still break this habit or not.