I (18M) feel like my online relationship (18F, a few months) turned into anxiety instead of love
I (M/18) am currently in an online relationship with a girl (F/18) that has been going on for a few months. We have not met in real life yet, but she is planning to visit my city soon.
Before her, I had a very close female friend (F/18). We were extremely emotionally close for about 3 months - holding hands, sleeping on each other, spending a lot of time together, deep conversations, etc. I developed feelings for her, but she repeatedly said she didn’t want a relationship. I ignored that for a while because I thought she might change her mind.
Recently I met this current girl online through a friend. We started talking a lot - deep conversations, personal topics, long calls and chats almost daily. She confessed her feelings first, and I reciprocated because I genuinely liked her too. We became a couple online about a few months ago.
At first everything felt amazing. She was affectionate, slightly jealous, asking for voice messages, saying she loves me often, and wanting a lot of attention from me. I felt really wanted.
But recently things started feeling heavier.
I noticed she hid a Discord chat while screen sharing. I asked about it calmly because I got anxious. She said it was just a male friend talking about something private. Later I told her I’d feel more comfortable if there was a bit less attention toward other guys because I tend to overthink. An hour later she went to play games with some guys without saying goodbye. That hit me more than I expected.
Lately most of our conversations have been about anxiety, reassurance, boundaries, jealousy, and “what are we”. It stopped feeling light. I often feel like I’m analyzing whether she sees me as her boyfriend or just a close online person.
I also know I’m not perfect here. I overthink a lot, I get anxious easily, and I often need reassurance. I’m afraid of becoming controlling, so I feel guilty after bringing things up.
My questions are:
- How do you differentiate between normal early-stage relationship uncertainty and actual incompatibility in an online relationship?
- Is it common for online relationships to start very intense and then feel emotionally “colder” after a while?
- How do you manage reassurance needs without slipping into controlling behavior?
I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have experience with online relationships or intense early-stage relationships.