u/Clear-Event8079

A guy called my partner back from an saa group and said that some people dont have a problem with porn and can casually view it and then asked my partner why he says he has an addiction.....which I feel like completely minimalizes how even casual viewing damages the brain. Which my partner agreed and said

"Normal is a bad way of looking at it some people dont struggle with it like I do but I couldn't control so its an issue for me personally and idk talking in a crowd to strangers is weird and no I dont think I need professional help for 1 that can vary depending upon how they approach it and 2 because I have figured out where it started from amd where it went to far and got out of hand"

After hearing him say that I think its finally time for me to walk away. Because NO even "casual" viewing is an issue and I just can't be with a man that has no desire or effort to change thay mindset. And because the deal was i stay with our daughter if he gets help... this doesnt seem like hes trying or wanting to get help.

I said as calmly as I could "I'm not going to stay if you are not taking it all seriously, and changing your entire mindset around porn and chronically masturbating is apart of that not just stopping the viewing of porn its all of it collectively together"

To which he said "fine whatever Jesus I'll never get better in your eyes you've made that clear even when I'm trying to go to groups and talk to people that have gone through it I'm still fucking wrong and not doing shit right"

I didn't even have anything to say back to that because im so exhausted and over him flipping everything around...I NEVER said he was wrong NEVER said he can't get better and im just so over being turned into the bad guy and him somehow being the victim in all this.

Am I crazy?!

My partner has been in recovery since easter Sunday. Lately theres been more sexual tention between us. We have always had great chemistry sexual and not sexual but of course after everything I've questioned if that was even real. However like I said it feels like hes giving me more and more attention when it comes to that.

But how do I know its because he actually wants me and isn't just horny and hasn't been able to jerk off. Its early in his recovery and he has said he does still have occasional thoughts about porn in the sense of the habit aspect of it. For example he would leave early for work to stop off at a park and watch porn to JO. So he's said its less about the "lusting" part of it and more of the habit part of it.

I just don't think I can be intimate with him until those thoughts are gone and I know hes not thinking about porn while hes having sex with me(which he says he never did but I don't believe him).

How do I know hes not just using me and genuinely wants me....I just don't know.

At the end of my days sometimes I have given all to my compacity. I wake up with an empty cup and somehow still give from it. At the end of the day when my cup goes from just a couple drops to bone dry I get completely lost. Baby will continue to want her mom and I just dont have it in me.

I've lost all patience ive lost all grace I get stuck in this mindset of I cant do it anymore ive given all day and I simply cant. You'll drift off to sleep or need sleep for work and im left having to yet again find something to give. When these moments occurre and she starts fussing or crying and I feel left and completely alone, it brings me right back to being postpartum. It brings me back to those moments of being completely drained and tired while my body is trying to heal and thinking why is no one helping me.

It brings me back to the moments of waking up and hearing her cry and I would think he'll get her he'll get up and get her bottle or take care of her, baby continuing to cry me sitting up in bed to find myself truly alone a couple times I had seen a faint shadow behind the corner and the sound of heavy breathing I see the flicker of phone light and I would think no he wouldn't be doing what I think hes doing but I knew i would get up in a rage a walk around the corner you would as smoothly as you could act like you were just about to walk back into the bedroom area you would even say "what i was going to get her" in a tone insinuating my anger was in the wrong and if i had simply just let her cry for a little bit longer you would have gotten her completly ingnoring how in those early days how much it affected my whole body when she would cry for even a second.

Completely ignorant to the fact that what you were doing was infidelity. Or waking up finding myself truly alone I think to myself I heard him open and close the bedroom door I know hes out there can't he hear her why cant I sleep why can't I heal again I get up in a rage and fly out the bedroom door to find you sitting on the step you would turn your body in a way to hide your privates and of course it was always the same "I would have gotten her" or "was she crying i didn't hear it" again I knew i saw your dick out multiple times I KNEW and would not only Be gaslit by you "I was waiting for my rice sock" "I was waiting for my coffee" but I gaslit myself no maybe I didn't see what I saw no he wouldn't actually lie straight to jy face about it no he said he didn't do that anymore when we got together no he wouldn't actually neglect his child just to watch strangers get fucked. Am I really that repulsive have I not been giving him my body enough is it because I was pregnant is it because we have to wait no if im able to control my sexual impulses and the need for closeness like that why wouldn't he be able to.

But I KNEW. It festered inside of me it ate at me alive. There was more than these times that this happened it happened when I was still working. How I was being told goodnight I love you I miss you all for an hour later to get a message I knew I would ask questions well what were you doing. Who were you doing. Who were you talking to. What were you looking at.

Times when I was pregnant times when sexual things would pop up on your phone I KNEW I knew and know how algorithms work we both knew why those things were there. I was pregnant my body had been hijacked by the process of creating life and I was made to feel unwanted unloved and crazy I was put in a position of questioning myself. I was put in a position for a whole year of my life to feel ugly and not worthy of a committed relationship I was put into an open relationship when I asked for loyalty and respect. I questioned my decision of wanting kids in the first place.

I was reminded that there was a reason I never looked at a man and thought wow I want to have his kids I want a family with this man. I asked for protection, safety. Home, and then got the rug pulled out from under me with no saftey net. In the beginning I felt and thought I had reached the top of the world and then got pushed off. Hello rock bottom. I had been on the streets before scared and alone but this was different it was a mental and physical rock bottom.

My partner is in early recovery recently I asked what's something new he has learn and if hes learned more about how harmful and corrupt the industry is he asked "what do you mean?" So I mentioned things like rape and trafficking and other things just briefly just simply stating theres multiple reasons the industry is bad. He immediately got defensive and said "no theres laws for that and they sign contracts" i said laws are broken all the time especially by multimillion dollar industries and that it was hurtful having him defend it. He said im not defending it but your telling me I watched rape I said no but theres a high possibility. He said "i know what I saw and it didn't look like rape to me" I was shocked and disgusted I said how dare you defend that industry and those women but you can't even respect or defend the person you supposedly love the mother of your child?!? To which he doubled down and said "i watched interviews of pornstars and they said the opposite" like ummm yeah you disgusting loser they'll say anything its literally there job they WERE GETTING PAID 🙄🙄

I just can't look at him "well I watched interviews" ugh seriously dude DISGRACEFUL have your precious pornstars I'll see myself out with my daughter i will not have her be raised by a disgusting lowlife

I absolutely can't stand being told "its just porn" and "what's the big deal" my partner had reached out too two of his buddies looking to "vent" and said we were having problems when his friends asked why he said "because i watched porn and she got upset" which is just wild coming from the man that would leave early in the morning to jerk off at Parks on his way to work. EVERY morning. The man who would sneak out to the living room just watch watch and get off to other women when I was freshly postpartum I would hear the baby cry and just lay there thinking hes awake out there why is he just letting her cry shes hungry get her bottle why cant I sleep?!? Oh because the precious pornstars come first. But hey "its just porn right"....I got upset?!?! Ya buddy yiu bet your ass. Hearing they said "isn't she being a bit unreasonable" ummm no and get better friends unreasonable?! To ask my partner to not cheat on me and obsesse over other women NO NOT UNREASONABLE.

That's it that's the whole post he keeps working out naked when he comes home from work. He only workout at home in the bedroom door fully open but he keeps doing it naked. His working out was already a weird trigger for me but him doing it naked TRIGGERS me I already look at him different and anytime I see that I cringe it makes me angry but also kinda disgusts me at the same time