u/Clear-Armadillo512

My husband and I are in our mid thirties and have been married almost a decade. We rent, our lease ending towards the end of the year and will be month to month afterwards.

He earns good enough money to afford me being a SAHM in a HCOL area (FL) but he is financially abusive. Our relationship is transactional. He pays the bills, I am his proverbial punching bag. On that note, he is abusive in every way except sexually and physically. However, just recently he started using violent-adjacent language. Never threatened me directly but saying phrases that justify and reason physical harm. Conflicts occur in front of our child and has a notable impact on her but he has never mistreated her.

Internally within the marriage, I position myself as committed to the relationship. It’s a fawn response to keep me and my child safe because any sign of conflict (which to him could be as small as an ‘I feel’ statement) will make him unpredictable and volatile.

However, I’ve begun building up my support system. A friend nearby will take us in for a few days if we have to escape. My out of state family is aware and are thankfully in a position to front a retainer for me since I don’t have access to marital funds. I’ve reached out to local DV organizations and am making my providers aware.

My next OB appt is soon and since my husband will be attending, I called them in advance to let them know so that they don’t have to have a private word with me because I know my husband will be suspicious if I’m alone too long. Especially since recently, I told my therapist what was going on and it triggered a mandated report that resulted in a CPS interview with my husband and I. Yes, he reacted as you can expect but not in front of them. Appearances matter more to him than reality.

I have voice recordings of our conflicts, you can hear our daughter’s distress in them. My state is a two-party consent state and they’re not consented for but I do so anyways because I know he will deny and dismiss otherwise and I need proof so the benefit outweighs the risk of the recordings. I have a notebook he doesn’t know about where I log incidents as well as care contributions for our child daily. A family member ordered me a USB drive that connects directly to my phone so I can bypass using a computer (which I have and hardly use so using it now would be suspicious to him) to save these and other important files in. It was ordered through their own Amazon acct and is being sent to a nearby locker for pickup since our family Amazon acct goes to my husband’s email.

I’m just in the air about timing. I have a soft-deadline with the pregnancy but I don’t know how it will impact things. My state won’t divorce a pregnant woman so I can file tomorrow but it won’t be finalized until after the birth. But I’m wrecked by the question - do I live out the pregnancy as is and then file with a toddler and a newborn or file sooner and play the waiting game. Obviously, if things become physical, it will force my hand to leave sooner. I know this is only something I can answer for myself and I didn’t come here for an answer to that.

But I’m wondering if anybody has been in this situation and whatever words of advice or comfort can be offered to me. Thank you for taking the time to read and thanks in advance for being here with me.

ETA key details: he almost daily threatens divorce but hasn’t followed through. He has said that he will ‘legally bury’ me and take full custody of our kids (mind you, he hasn’t even given our child a bath in the entirety of her life). He is wanting to sue the therapist that reported because he doesn’t know that I told them he’s abusive because that’s not a safe thing for me to say to him. He sees the report as unfounded and malicious. There’s a lot more details that I can add and would do so if comments ask for them.

Pregnant and have a toddler, need to leave - seeking advice

Pregnant and with a toddler, anticipating a high conflict case, riddled with abu$e