TL;DR - me and my first ever girlfriend of 7 years need to break things off but im finding it extremely difficult to do so. We've damaged each other immensely with infidelity, and porn addiction. We are now in our "growth" stage living on our own separately but am finding it extremely difficult to cope and have no motivation for anything.
Throw away account, ill try to keep it simple. Me and her started dating in our last year of high-school. Shes the only girl I've ever had any relationship with. We moved in together at my moms house 2 years into our relationship. We introduced alcohol and weed into our life and it kinda consumed us. While we were living there my porn addiction was at its peak and I was treating her horribly. Its what I regret the most it made her very insecure and anxious all the time. I didnt see it as a problem tho back then. I just thought it was normal and every guy did it. Around that time she started talking to other guys, not saying i made it happen. We both made decisions.
Around 3.5 years in she cheated on me fully and left me. 2 weeks in I begged for her back, looking back I should've let the relationship end but I was 21 and completely stupid. We came back together and the whole honey moon phase started. We both still were drinking and smoking to the extreme. We got into some debt because we both lost our jobs and we kinda just wasted our early 20s.
Ive always had a deep and huge dream to make music and perform since I was 12. Ive gotten better and at around the age of 24 I started to put myself and my music out there wayy more. Now this involves the rave scene and at first me and her were really into it. We both listen to it and have gon to multiple raves and festivals together. She out grew this and at around this time too we had moved to her moms house to save more money. Anyways I became super busy with my music and playing shows. Its not that I wouldn't give her attention its just that I need certain times to work on my craft and she didnt like that. This is when she started talking to guys again. I should also add around age 23 I started to work on my porn addiction and finally admitted I had a problem. I went to therapy, I got sober, and I got closer to god. Its been an ongoing journey but im happy to say im better and it's no longer taking over my life although its still challenging at times.
After the cheating recently I decided its time. I had most of the debt so I saved money up and she knew I was leaving. We both know we cant be with each other. Especially since it felt like I was choosing music or her. And not to mention all the damage we did to each other. Those last couple of weeks we loved each other so much almost like taking advantage of our last moments together.
I left and after 2 days at my own place with 2 house mates. I couldnt take it anymore. She's been texting me the whole time. We still have so much love for each other. I haven't eaten well, I cry all day at work. I wake up with crust in my eyes. She's been taking cough syrup every night to sleep. Also hasnt eaten she was skinny. On the fourth night we caved in and hung out and just comforted each other. I know thats a huge mistake but we talked and we came to the conclusion that if we were ever getting back together we have to truly change and give each other space to grow separately.
I dont know what to do anymore. Truly I dont, im in so much pain I cant think straight. I guess I came here to vent. To see if anyone else has input or similar experiences. I know the answer everyone's thinking tho. We cant be together. Its just I dont see myself ever moving on.