I (25F) moved in with my roommate (25F) about a year ago. We were kind of friends before that but more so acquaintances. We both had breakups around the same time and spent a lot more time together after that, and obviously after moving in together. I thought we were now good friends. A couple of months ago, I was talking to another friend about a roommate issue that I was having with my roommate. The friend kind of caught me off guard and asked if I was sure I wanted to sign another lease with this current roommate because it seems like she's not that great.
Since then, I've been paying more attention and I think she may have been right, but I'm definitely looking for some feedback, so here are the things I've noticed in the last couple months:
- Roommate respects boundaries once I set them but doesn't seem to have common sense as far as what's cool and what's not (for example, she went in my bedroom closet to borrow my cleaning supplies without asking me, I only found out because she didn't put them away, not the only time something like that has happened)
- Takes a long time to answer texts unless she wants something from me, in which case she answers pretty immediately, then drops off once she has what she wanted
- If I don't call her/text her, she rarely will reach out to me
- She really only wants to hang out if it's to do something she wants to do, like me going to see her show. Every time I ask her to do something with me, she says no because she "doesn't want to do that" and insists that she is just setting healthy boundaries and can say no (true, but it feels like the boundary is that she can be selfish and this is not a two way street)
- Has cancelled every going out plan in the last couple of months day of, again citing boundaries as the reason (again, I get it, but at some point you're just being flaky and can't keep saying it's healthy boundaries)
This seems pretty damning, so a couple positives/context--she is depressed right now, which I absolutely understand can make it a lot harder to feel motivated to do things or reach out to people. When we do hang out, we have a really nice time together. The thing is, I'm kind of worried that we became friends out of proximity and she isn't actually a genuine friend of mine. Please let me know if more info would be helpful, but does this seem like she's just going through a hard time, or like she needed someone when she was going through her breakup and now just isn't invested long term? Thanks!
TLDR roommate/friend doesn't seem to put a lot of effort into our friendship, wondering if this is a sign that we're not really friends or a sign that she is going through a hard time