I keep telling myself that I’m meant to be single and that I don’t need to be in a relationship… and yet my heart is craving the affection of another person desperately.
I have the tendency to physically isolate myself from others… and yet I constantly yearn for the physical presence and touch of a beloved one.
I think I’m firmly convinced that marriage is something outdated which is not meant for me… and yet I regularly fantasize about having a wedding ring wrapped tightly around my finger.
I seem unable to find anyone to which I feel genuine romantic and sexual attraction… and yet I feel the urge to devote myself to someone deep within my heart. My whole body trembles at the idea of becoming physically intimate with that person. To know that my feelings are reciprocated on all levels: emotional, physical, sexual.
It’s so difficult for me to imagine being intimate with anyone… and yet my heart is craving to experience skin-to-skin contact with someone. To experience the beauty of two naked bodies intertwined together in the mating dance.
My mind feels disgusted by the idea of pregnancy and fatherhood while my heart yearns for the moment that my seed flows towards my imaginary partner’s fertile unprotected womb. My mind feels scared at the prospect of a positive pregnancy test while my heart is craving to see my future beloved’s test clearly displaying the magical two lines.
I normally don’t want to be involved with babies or toddlers in any imaginable way, yet my heart is craving to cover my newborn’s body with the loving kisses of a doting father.
My rational mind is concerned about my ability to sleep for longer than a few hours per night while my heart feels so ready to welcome and soothe my children’s cries, even if that means staying awake all night long.
Realistically, I’m supposed to be disgusted by the idea of changing diapers, yet my loving heart is completely excited at the prospect of doing these things for my kids. There’s something so paternal about the idea of wiping their butts as well…
I’m expected to be turned off and scared by every unpleasant or difficult thing about marriage or fatherhood, yet at heart I’m somehow eager about all of them.
Why am I like this?