Mom Drinking at Wedding
Hello- first time ever posting anything about my mom online so sorry if this isn’t organized in the best way, but I’ll try my best!
My mom has been an alcoholic all my life, but has never viewed herself as an alcoholic because she doesn’t drink during the day, before/during work, drinks beer, etc. Of course this isn’t true- my entire life I would guess she drinks on average 15 cans of Miller High Life a night, sometimes more on the weekends. She always carried around a little cooler of her beer so it was nice and cold and she didn’t need to get up for them.
I don’t think she ever viewed herself as a bad parent, and I struggled to define my trauma long into adulthood because I didn’t have the “typical” alcoholic parent in my view- my mom worked, cooked, I always had clean clothes, she was in PTA, etc. But she also fell asleep drunk on the couch at least once a week, spilled beer on me as a child, would pass out drunk on the floor, drove me and my friends around during sleepovers hammered (which I didn’t know until I was an adult). I have a distinct memory of a sleepover I had where she was making jokes and everyone was laughing so hard, and she kept going because everyone was laughing, and when I asked a friend what was so funny about her not great jokes she informed me that she was slurring so bad that no one could understand her and that it was more of an uncomfortable/laughing at her thing. I didn’t know she was slurring- I could understand her perfectly- and I can to this day. Once at the lake my fiance asked how I was holding a conversation with her when she wasn’t forming complete sentences, but I couldn’t even tell her words were blurry.
Fast forward to now- I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mom, but frankly I’m not sure she knows that, since she struggles with closeness. She refuses therapy, but every therapist I’ve been to has speculated she has BPD. I think that’s a possibility, but all I know for sure is she is very emotionally immature. I used to try to discuss her drinking with her and she would say I was being mean to her, would blame me for her drinking (I don’t like being told what to do, if you tell me not to drink it’s your fault if I drink even more), and just generally dismiss it because she sees it as her problem and no one else’s.… which is sad, considering she has such severe neuropathy and nerve damage that she can no longer walk without a cane and uses a mobility cart most of the time (she refuses to believe her drinking caused these problems). Well, I am getting married next month, and our bartending situation is one where you bring your own alcohol. I learned last night my parents are planning on bringing exactly what they want, even though I already told them I built out a contract, and my mom wants to bring Miller Lite. I would not say I am triggered by seeing Miller exactly, but I don’t like being around it- just smelling it reminds me too much of my childhood as it’s all she ever drank. I do not want it at my wedding, do not plan on having it at my wedding, and did not select it as one of the four beers/seltzers we are having, but my dad (who has done nothing ever to advocate for me with my mom) told me she’s going to bring miller and if I don’t want her buying it that it’s “my problem” not his.
I realize I should have had a conversation about this months ago and not weeks before the wedding, but how would you approach discussing this with your emotionally immature parent? I already know she will be dismissive and think I’m punishing her/not respect my boundaries. I don’t really want to have another full-blown conversation about the damage her drinking has done to me right now, but I will if needed. just really looking for advice because no one close to me has parents who are alcoholics