Hi Two Hot Takes fam - my wife (F35) and I (M36) are at a loss about our BIL. Posting anonymously - we want insight and what SIL should do. We feel bad for her and are always there for her but she legit doesn’t know what to do and we don’t know what to do. We live about 5 hours away from her so don’t get to see her as often as we’d like. Otherwise we wish we could help out more.
My sister-in-law is basically functioning as a single parent while married, and I genuinely don’t know how much longer this can continue.
She has two kids under five, and her husband has never once consistently helped with parenting responsibilities. I’m not exaggerating when I say he has never helped with the bedtime routine. Not “rarely.” Literally never. She handles dinner, baths, bedtime, wakeups, work, emotional labor… everything.
Meanwhile, he disappears constantly to “be alone” and sit in silence. Anytime she asks if he’s okay, if something is bothering him, or if he needs help, he shuts down or gets irritated. Some weeks he’s swearing and cussing nonstop, snapping at everyone, and other weeks he acts semi-normal like nothing happened. The kids are now starting to repeat the language and pick up on the negativity.
And somehow, despite never giving her any time to herself, he always has time for his hobbies. It’s always “give, give, give” from her side, while he acts like basic parenting is optional for him.
What frustrates me most is that he puts zero effort into being emotionally present for her. He never asks about her job, her day, or how she’s doing. She pours everything into the family while he contributes the bare minimum and acts inconvenienced by everyone around him.
He also has a huge issue with her family. Whenever they go to family events, he sits there quiet, shut down, moody, and clearly miserable to be around. People are starting to notice it more and more. His excuse is that being around her family is “too overwhelming,” but at this point it just feels disrespectful because everyone else is making an effort and he refuses to engage.
He excuses all of this by saying he “grew up this way” and likes silence, but at some point that stops being an explanation and starts being an excuse. Plenty of people grow up in unhealthy environments and still choose to be active partners and parents.
She’s admitted to us multiple times that she finally understands why people get divorced, even though she doesn’t want that for her family. The problem is he refuses to get help, refuses therapy, and refuses to acknowledge there’s even an issue.
What’s also telling is that he has a daughter from a previous relationship who’s now in middle school, and she barely wants anything to do with the family either. She’s clearly picked up on his negativity and lack of involvement too.
At this point, I honestly can’t tell if he’s deeply unhappy and refusing help, or if he’s just an asshole who wants a family without putting any actual effort into one.
We just feel bad and like I said earlier, we are there for her answer her calls all the time which we could help out with the kids more, but it’s just hard.