I feel weird
I was 5-7? ( I am now 17)When my older brother sexually assaulted me. Since then I feel I’m weird, mainly in my interests, I understand that hyper sexuality is a common thing when sa happens, but I feel as if I’m on another level on hyper sexual. Every single day I’m thinking I need to masturbate and I need porn in order to reach or wtv. I also feel like my interests are weird, mainly in what I search for. It’s always girls getting raped or hentai where the male is disgusting to look at and taking advantage of these girl and sometimes I wish it was me. Gosh I feel so disgusting watching that kind of stuff and finding pleasure In it too, I feel ashamed. I don’t even watch porn anymore because it’s not as disgusting as I want it too be. Another thing is I don’t think I’m safe around other children, I often see them and think “ they’ll look good when they’re older “ or notice their attributes . I even once while I was getting assaulted by my brother tried to forcefully kiss my sister on the mouth because of what was happening to me( I was 6? And she was 4?).I’ve definitely never felt attached to a child before tho, but I’m just scared. It’s been years since my assault has happened, I even have a good relationship with my brother and I feel like I shouldn’t, I should be mad, I should try to get justice or something, but I just don’t care about him like that. I definitely don’t love him nor do I hate him. I’m starting to think Iwas born like this and might’ve always meant to be this way even without being sexually assaulted. Maybe it’s the sexual assault or me. I don’t really know anymore